Today is Monday. As a stay-at-home mom, Monday's have become my least favorite day of the week. Why? Because from Friday at around 5:00 p.m. to Monday morning at around 7:30 a.m. I am not alone in this. I've got the best support around. I've got a diaper changer, a rocker, a "hey hey hey, you're okay sissy" sayer, and a pacifier holder til she falls asleeper. I've got a partner in this. Finding time to shower, pee, do my hair, put on makeup, run to the store, do laundry, pay bills, call companies to complain about high bills, pick up the house, vacuum, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, and occasionally throw in a hobby or two is a piece of cake on the weekends when you have a partner.
I shouldn't have to because it's my blog, but I feel that I should preface the rest of this entry by saying that I am so incredibly grateful to be a mom and I am not writing this to complain. I also by no means feel that my position as a stay-at-home mom is any better or more difficult than a working mom. They are very different but also the same: Both are needed 24/7. I personally cannot fathom working a 9-5 and then coming home to a baby who is dependent on you for their every need or coming home to a baby who you've missed all day long just to have to put them down for bed a few hours later.
When people think of stay-at-home moms there is this misconception that we are just sitting in our pajamas, watching The Real Housewives of Dallas, and drinking iced tea or coffee all day long while occasionally feeding or changing the baby. Real talk; I am in the dress I wore yesterday because when I put Lillie down to bed last night I hadn't done the laundry so both of the shorts I like to wear as pajamas were dirty and frankly, it was easier to just crawl into bed and not have to deal with changing. You want some more honesty? I'm still in said dress and went to Target this morning in the dress, hair pulled back, and yesterday's makeup. Do I watch The Real Housewives of Dallas and drink iced tea? Yes. But, it's usually while I'm feeding my daughter for the one hundredth time or rocking her because heaven forbid she fall asleep on her own.
When I heard stay-at-home moms pre-baby say things like, "I work just as hard as those women who have jobs" I thought, "Ya, okay, right. Keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better." Now, I am a SAHM and I apologize for ever thinking that. It's the best but the most exhausting/draining job I've ever had, and I was pregnant for 9 months working with four year olds who on average ask 437 questions PER DAY.
Some days, I truly want to run away and just hope that a pack of wolves Mowgli's my daughter for a day so I can shower when I want to, eat when I want to, pee when I want to, sleep when I want to and however long I want to, run errands any time of the day, do my hair, do my makeup, not wear a nursing bra, not wear a shirt for easy access, and not deal with someone else's poop. But the most conflicting part of those feelings is knowing how even if a pack of wolves was helping to raise my daughter for a day, I would miss her terribly.
This is another thing about being a stay-home-mom that I didn't realize would happen. There are times during the day when I think, "If you don't take a nap right now, I'm going to have to check myself into the looney bin." But, when she finally goes to sleep and decides to nap in her own bed, I immediately miss her and wish she would wake up. There is really nothing that highlights just how selfish we are as human beings more than having a newborn who depends on you for everything but there is also nothing that prepares you for just how much you will instantly love your child even when you want to pull your hair out. There is no amount of crying, poop, rocking, cluster feeding, or fussiness that can decrease the amount of love I have for Lillie.
I asked Kyle Saturday what his favorite thing about having Lillie is and he said, "Learning new things about you." I asked what he meant and he said, "Really, I just like seeing you in a new role." In the middle of the night I had a little meltdown moment because I was tired, Lillie woke up 4 hours after I put her down, then I fed her which took an hour, and then she woke up 45 minutes later. Kyle rubbed my shoulders as I fed her, burped her for me, and consoled me. While we were going back to sleep he prayed for me and one thing he asked for was for God to use this time for me to learn new things. That really stuck with me and so today I'm trying to focus on using this new role of mommy to teach me more about myself. I thought I was patient; Lillie showed me otherwise and now I know I can really work on that. I have always been a worrier and there are definitely a thousand things that a baby can make you worry about so I need to continue to work on that. I think the most precious thing I've really been able to grasp since having Lillie is just how much my Heavenly Father loves me no matter what I do. That unconditional love cannot be beat.
Lillie, I love you so very much. More than I can put into words. Your smiles can make even the most exhausting day worth it. You are one of my best friends even though you don't know it yet. Thank you for being you and for teaching me about myself and helping me to grow as a person and in my relationship with Christ.
xoxo,
Mommy
