It has been entirely too long since I've blogged, but motherhood happened and there's a never-ending to-do list that comes before "hobbies." I've always known a part of me that cannot relax if there are responsibilities waiting in the wings. I've known this, but since your arrival in my life I've gained new responsibilities and am never really "off the clock." It is difficult for me to sit and be still when I know there are dishes in the sink, or laundry to be done, or dog poop to scoop, or groceries to be bought, or time to be spent with you. Part of not being able to be still is also the inability for my mind to be still or silent (I hope you don't inherit this).
I have a lot on my mind as a wife and a mother - at times, it's overwhelming. I am doing enough for everyone. Is Dad getting enough time with just me? Are you and Dad getting enough time with each other? Are you getting enough from me as a mother? Am I patient enough? Am I present enough? Fun enough? Tough enough? Consistent enough? There's an endless questioning of whether I am enough. Throw all of these daily questions in with an ever present nagging question of whether or not I would like to try to have another child and you've got a mom who can get bogged down by the weight of it all.
About a week ago I was telling your dad that I was in a funk and kind of feeling like this decision I need to make was weighing very heavy on my heart. Should we try again? His response, "I don't know why you're stressed out about something you have absolute control over." While on the surface he is right, it's a little bit more complicated than that. I either do want to have another baby or I don't, but not knowing the answer to makes your dad's simple solution null. Not only did I not know my answer to that question, but history has made that decision a little bit more difficult to arrive at.
I've talked a lot about my miscarriage before you were born. I would have been right around 13 weeks when my first pregnancy ended. No rhyme or reason, the baby was just gone. This was incredibly difficult on me because, well, I am extremely hard on myself. I don't need anyone to tell me what I've done wrong or scold me when I mess up, because I've already been way harder on me than they could ever be. So when we lost that baby, of course my knee-jerk reaction was, "I had to have done something wrong." I took a bath and the water was too hot. I accidentally ate a soft cheese. I didn't give the baby good enough nutrition. I lifted weird at the gym. I didn't drink enough water. Anything I had done or potentially done in those 13 weeks, I was sure it was the cause of my miscarriage.
Now, hindsight is 20/20, and I know that this happened for a reason. It's most likely nothing I did but rather something genetically that did not line up. Who am I to question why my pregnancy did not go full-term. It made me and your dad learn to lean on each other in a way we hadn't experienced before and it showed me that I was a fighter and was not going to give up that easily. About three months after my miscarriage, we tried again, and became pregnant with you. This pregnancy was exciting, but not in the way that the first one was. There was an ignorance that was lost and a naiveté that could never be given back. I got pregnant easily the first time and lost that baby, so who was to say if this one would result in a full-term pregnancy either? If you are reading this then you obviously know the ending to that pregnancy.
You arrived and you were an angel. Truly, you were a great baby, and I'm not just saying that because I am your mom. If you need proof, I tell people all the time that you are not super graceful or coordinated. I'm honest about your strengths and weaknesses. Other than some usual breastfeeding issues and gassiness, we really had very few issues with you. You slept well, had a sweet disposition, went with the flow, and never got incredibly sick. You were a "good baby" and we still had an incredibly tough time. Nothing in our lives had ever been that time consuming, sleep deprivating, and emotionally taxing as having a newborn. We would joke (but were also serious) that if we had that hard of a time with such a good baby, what in the world would we do if we had a tough baby?
So, like I said, knowing what I know now and having gone through what we've gone through, I had been leaning more toward going with my head rather than my heart in an effort to protect my heart. The day after talking to Dad about the baby dilemma, I went to see my therapist (the same one I've had since you were about 5 months old) and we talked my feelings out. I admitted that my miscarriage plays a part in me being afraid, that I don't feel excited about trying, that I worry you are too old now and it will be too difficult to start over now that you are so independent. I admitted that I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin and more like myself than I have in years and I'm afraid to allow my body to go through another pregnancy to just undo all the hard work I've done. We tried to figure out if I was being hesitant based on fear; fear of miscarriage, fear of feeling inadequate as a mother, fear of getting insanely depressed again or if I was just not making the decision to have another because I'm actually good with the family that I have. (Side note: My life is full to the peak with just you).
I mentioned to her that in the previous week I had met two strangers that both had children with significant age gaps (5 years and 6 years) and how I wondered if that was in some way God trying to tell me that the gap that would be between my children would be okay. By the end of the hour, she asked me how I was feeling after having been able to just talk out loud and I was actually in a better place of feeling like it could be exciting and that I think I do want to have another child if that's what God has in store for me.
On my drive from therapy to go pick you up from school I began to think about how special it was/is that I get to be so involved in your life. I have countless hours with you and when you were a baby and I was in the thick of depression/anxiety, you were there with me. For a good portion of your life, it's been you and me, Sissy. I got to soak up every moment with you and watch you grow without having to manage any other children. I thought about how lately your dad's go-to advice for me has been "change your perspective" and how that is what I needed to do with this whole having another baby thing. And, so I did.
What if I miscarry? Then Dad and I will grow even closer. It's going to be such a pain to start all over again in the infancy stage now that you are so independent. No, because you are independent, I will not have two toddlers to manage at the same time. I will have a baby with a sibling in school so I can spend quality time with #2 and soak up all of the magic that comes with the baby phase. I will have a helper. Lillie, you letting the dog out and in to do his business is a small thing but a game changer so I can only imagine how nice it will be to say, "Hey, can you grab mommy that diaper?" or, "Hurry, run get that poopy diaper before the dog grabs it." Yep, it happened, Lillie. It happened.
I have a goal to read the Bible start to finish this year and so during my daily reading the other day, I came across a verse that I have honestly never paid much attention to. It's Exodus 14, verse 14, right before Moses parts the Red Sea and it says, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." This really resonated with me because I am one of those people who is always presently stressing to make sure I don't stress in the future. Isn't that the dumbest? (I also hope you didn't inherit this). I over plan and try to control things so much to avoid catastrophe later when all I have to do is be still. I don't have to be anxious worrying about the what-ifs. I don't have to be discouraged or feel hopeless when life throws a curveball.
The Israelites in that passage were hopeless feeling like they were in an impossible situation but what they should have realized at that moment was it was a situation that the Lord had put them in. They only needed to be still and let Him fight their battle because He had promised He would bring them out of Egypt and into the Promised Land. They couldn't see a way around their problem but God did. He made a way, He does that in my life all the time, and He will do that in yours too.
If I decide I want to try to have a baby, He will fight my battles; whether they be battles from a miscarriage, battles of pregnancy, battles of depression, battles of inadequacy, battles of fear, or battles of parenting two children - He will fight for me; I need only be still.
So, Lillie James, if there is ever something in your life that you are battling and you feel like you are going at it alone, remember, He brought you to the Red Sea in your life and He will part the waters to get you through it.
XOXO,
Mommy
