#2

Being a mommy has been an eye-opening world of new things that I've never experienced.  You can take all the classes they offer (I did) and you can be kellymom.com's most frequent visitor, but until you actually put motherhood into practice you don't fully understand just how much you have to learn and figure out by trial and error.

One of the things that I had taken a class on and read about before hand was breastfeeding.  I left the class thinking, "I've got all the information.  I've taken good notes.  This will be a walk in the park." SIKE.  All the veteran breastfeeders are probably saying, "Poor little naïve Nicole." Breastfeeding is the most frustrating thing I've ever had to learn how to do and I now understand just why so many people quit.  The best piece of advice I can give a new mom trying to make breastfeeding successful is to relax, let your baby tell you when they are hungry, and do what feels right for you and your baby.

The most stressful part of trying to get the hang of breastfeeding was just all the different conflicting information.  I had a c-section (my birth story will be blogged about soon) and so my milk took longer to come in and I spent 3 full days in the hospital after Lillie was born.  That means I had 6 different nurses in those three days and they all had a different opinion on what to do as far as breastfeeding.  I also had a pediatrician who was a little quick to want me to supplement with formula and having never done this before, I just went with what she said. 

I was told in my breastfeeding class that if we introduced a bottle or a pacifier too early then the baby would have "nipple confusion," have a bad latch, and would be more likely to resist the breast.  So when they told me I had to supplement formula of course I wanted to know if there was an option that would let me avoid a bottle.  (I am a rule follower and a perfectionist so if they told me in the class to avoid something, well then I was going to avoid it.)  The nurse told us we could use a SNS tube which basically just lays on the nipple so that the baby can latch and think they are getting the milk from your breast and not the bottle.  That was a nightmare.  Trying to get her to latch, get the tube in there at the same time, and keep it in there was like trying to herd cats. 

The first few days at home there were many tears.  I innately did not want to supplement because that made me feel like I was not producing enough and providing for my baby.  I read where supplementing can decrease your milk supply so I was terrified I would mess things up and have to formula feed Lillie.  I had different opinions coming at me, was reading conflicting ideas, and was cluster feeding so I was exhausted. 

I went to Lillie's pediatrician appointment and they were asking how everything was going, if my milk came in, etc.  My mom asked the nurse what her thoughts on pacifiers were and she told me that it was fine and that in her 30 years of doing this, no baby has ever been confused at the nipple.  So, we started pacifiers that day.  Then after a few more days of frustration with breastfeeding; questions like should I wake her every 2-3 hours, should I let her sleep, should I stop the pacifier, is she latching wrong, is she getting enough, and should I give her formula were stressing me out. One morning I was sobbing and Kyle hugged me and said, "Look, you do what you want to do.  You know what is best.  It's your body.  If you want to keep trying to breastfeed I will support you.  If you want to quit and switch to formula I will support you.  You can do whatever you want, but don't stress about it because it's not good for you and it's not good for her."  That and something my mom told me, ("Back when we breastfed we just fed you when you were hungry,") really resonated with me.  I relaxed and just let Lillie lead the way; after all, I don't really need anyone to tell me when I am hungry and need to eat, so why should she?  And she definitely lets me know. ;)

At her second doctor's appointment I was a little anxious because I kept wondering during the days and weeks before if she was getting enough.  I was terrified they were going to weigh her and say, "What are you doing because she is not gaining enough weight.  Are you feeding her enough?"  They put her on the scale and she weighed 9.44 lbs which was almost two pounds more than when they weighed her 24 days before at her last appointment.  The nurse said, "Are you breastfeeding?" and I told her I was and she said, "Great.  Well, whatever you are doing is working because she looks really healthy and perfect."  I was so relieved. 

There are days when Lillie changes up the game on me and throws me for a loop, but overall breastfeeding is not this huge mountain I've got to get around and I don't have that pressure and stress.  I was thinking the other day of making a list of all the things I've learned about breastfeeding so far because you never really know until you know and some things are just rather humorous. 

1.  Cracked nipples are no joke.  I'm pretty sure I went through an entire tube of lanolin cream in 3 days.  (I don't even use it anymore)
2.  Nipple shields are for the birds. I couldn't get them to stay on to save my life.
3.  Having a fast "let down" can cause your child to choke and push off of your boob as if you are trying to poison them.
4.  The football hold should be called the "I want carpal tunnel hold."  After a few days of trying that one out, I decided that I liked not having that pain so back to cross-cradle we went.
5.  I know all women have breasts but it still doesn't make whipping mine out in a room full of strangers comfortable.  Yes, I went to a breastfeeding workshop where we all nursed our babies at the same time with no covers on.
6.  Nursing in front of family is the worst.  I know they are family but it's the worst.  You just end up doing it because when your baby is trying to break the record on the most feedings in one day, you eventually chose hanging out with family while nursing over going into a private room; even though you just really want to go to that private room.
7.  Nursing in front of people is not as bad when people just look at your face (or somewhere else) and avoid looking at the baby.  If you look at the baby, you pretty much are just staring at my boobs and that's when it becomes really weird. People have done this.
8.  You will never feel the same about your boobs again so long as a child is attached to them throughout the day.
9.  Cramping while nursing during the first few weeks of breastfeeding is most painful.
10.  You will not always know when your milk comes in.  I was told, "Oh, you will know.  You will feel it.  It will be painful."  I had no clue when mine came in.
11.  Talking about your milk production with your pediatrician will never feel normal.
12.  Pumping will make you feel like a cow.
13.  Normal shirts are pretty much out of the question for a while. 
14.  Don't forget to wear your nursing pads.
15.  If you see multiple spots on your sheets where it looks like someone spilled something, that's all the milk that you leaked during the night because your nursing pads only work when they stay in the right place.
16.  Pumped milk will be like gold.  Every little drop counts and when you spill some, you will stare at it a minute reminiscing about just how long it took you to pump that spilled milk at 3:30 in the morning.
17.  The phrase people use about disasters being a "cluster" had to come from cluster feeding.  During these cluster feeding phases, you will feel like all you are good for is milk and that you will never sleep again.  (This is of course not true).
18.  There is no cry like the "I'm hungry cry."  When my daughter's face is turning purple because I just can't get her changed, my pillow in my lap, and my boob out fast enough I just picture Chris Farley in that SNL skit yelling, "LAY OFF ME; I'M STARVING!" 
19.  You will try so many weird things to relieve nipple pain the first few weeks:  Ice packs on your boobs, dipping your boobs in warm salt solution for 10 minutes, rubbing your own milk on your nipple after a feeding. 
20.  Last, but definitely not least, if you can make it work and you figure it out, it can actually be one of the sweetest things and the most peaceful part of your day.  There's nothing quite as satisfying as the look of a milk drunk baby. 

Lillie, you are most definitely worth all the tears, lanolin cream, warm salt solution, lack of sleep, and hours spent looking up all things breastfeeding.

I love you.

Xoxo,

Mommy

#1

This is a blog for my daughter, Lillie James Gray.  I intend for this to be a place where I can come and get my thoughts out on anything involving my sweet baby.  I may just want to write about something she did for the first time or I may want to write about something I'm going through as I am navigating motherhood.

Today's blog has been a long time coming; however, if you've ever had a newborn then you understand why a blog entry would be very low on the list of priorities.  When Lillie is sleeping, my priorities as of late have been 1. Clean 2. Pay bills 3. Eat 4. Sleep and 5. Shower.  My husband would like my list to be 1. Eat 2. Sleep 3. Shower 4. Pay Bills and 5. Clean, but what you also may understand if you are a female (and maybe if you're not) is that sleeping can be difficult to do when you can't turn off that part of your brain that is listing off all of the things that need to be completed.  If I could keep my house somewhat clean, keep the bills caught up, and manage to eat a good meal, then sleeping would be a lot easier to do.  I also think Lillie has a sense of humor because the few times that I have felt that I was on top of things and that I could finally nap while she is napping, I lay down and inevitably she cries within minutes.  She's got jokes.

What I want to write about today is just how perfect God's timing is.  If you are new to my story then you should know that in April of 2015 I miscarried my first baby at about 13 weeks pregnant.  The next few months following were incredibly tough on me.  I questioned God and why he would take this baby away from me.  I questioned myself and my choices that I made during those 13 weeks.  I questioned whether I would ever be able to carry a baby full term.  I questioned if I would ever get to fulfill one of my dreams, which was to be a mom.  A couple weeks after I learned that I lost the baby I decided to start a journal for the next baby (God willing).  I wanted a place to pray for a baby that I desired and a place to tell this baby just how much I loved him/her before I even knew them.

I picked out a journal that had a hot air balloon on it because we were moving to NM soon and it had the word believe.  I chose to believe that God would give me another child. After having Lillie, I've continued to write in this journal and one day I decided to look back at the first few entries because I like to see where I've come from and I was amazed at not only the words I wrote in the first entry to my sweet Lillie but also the date on the first entry.  I started the journal April 20th, 2015 and Lillie was born just a few hours shy of April 20th, 2016.  Isn't God amazing?

I'd like to share the first entry to show how my prayers were answered.

April 20th, 2015:

"This journal is for my Baby.  I do not know you yet and you don't even exist; only in my dreams.  This is a journal for prayers and my hopes for your life. I do not know you yet, but I love you with all of my heart. XOXO, Mommy

Jesus,
I thank you for creation - for the ability to somewhat be a part of that with pregnancy.  I pray for this life that Kyle and I have yet to create.  I ask that it will happen in your time and not mine.  I pray that I would trust your timing and keep your will at the forefront of my thoughts.  I pray you would make my baby healthy.  I ask that you would watch over him/her from the very beginning of his/her life to the end of it; however long or short that may be.  Give me the discipline and knowledge to do what is best for my health and for the baby's health.  Mold me and shape me into the woman I'm supposed to be to be the best mom I can be.  Never let me forget or take for granted my first love, Kyle.  May he feel as loved and tended to as the baby.  Make me strong:  Strong enough to carry the baby full term is that is your will.  Strong enough to be okay if that is not in your will.

Your word says, "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  You know my heart so I don't even have to tell you how much I desire to be a mom.  To love a child that is the best of me and the best of Kyle.  I desire to love this child more than I can understand and to introduce him or her to You and all the love that You have shown me.  Give me wisdom to make the best choices as a mother.  Prepare Kyle and me for a new chapter in life.  Keep using us to sharpen one another in your name.  Amen."

Almost a year to the day, I wrote this entry and it is so amazing to me to go back and see just how much God answered my prayers.

Lillie James, you were in my thoughts and prayers before I even knew you, and I've loved you forever.  

-Mommy