Lillie James,
As stated in my previous blog, I am writing about my experience with Postpartum Depression/Anxiety so that one day if you are experiencing it too, we can look here together and I can be a comrade in your battle.
I have had a rough few days as far as PPD/A is concerned. For some reason, beginning on Sunday, things kind of hit me hard and old feelings were stirred up. I have been thinking the past few days about what my "triggers" are for feeling less than my best and just how skewed my reality can be from your average chill mommy's reality. I thought it might be helpful to write these down as a way to help you, others, and myself recognize that I have these triggers and that my reality is warped.
I believe these "triggers" and my warped sense of reality go very hand in hand. So here are the triggers and the thoughts/feelings I have. I am going to focus on my four main ones.
1. The house being a mess - this begins to make me feel very overwhelmed and anxious and I begin to feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. If I let it become worse than just a small mess, then I get to a state where it seems impossible to remedy. I begin thinking, "I'll never get it clean. I can't keep up with the simplest things. There are moms out there sewing their children rompers and I can't wash a bottle after a feeding." This is when my motivation plummets and I just want to lay in my room watching New Girl and wonder if I will ever feel good again. I don't like this place, it's a scary place, and I cannot allow myself to go there so I am learning ways to manage this trigger, i.e. making my bed EVERY day, whether it is 6:15 a.m. or 6:15 p.m. Getting into a made bed gives me a sense of accomplishment. Or, making sure the kitchen is clean every night before bed, which is easier if I just wash everything right after it's used, EVEN if your daddy is trying to help and says, "I'll get that later." Because, if your daddy doesn't get that later (later being before I wake up) then I wake up, see the mess, become overwhelmed and my day is started off on the wrong foot. I've explained this to daddy that I know he means well, but I've got to do things my way for my state-of-mind, because what seems like no big deal to him, can be the catalyst of a meltdown for me.
2. People offering unsolicited suggestions as to how to parent you - this is a tough one to deal with because the normal person reality is "Oh, they are trying to help. Ya, great idea." But, the PPD/A warped sense of reality says, "They don't think I even know how to take care of my baby. Maybe I don't. Maybe she deserves better. Maybe I should just go back to work and put her in a daycare of some sort where they know what they are doing." This could be as simple as saying, "Her feet are cold." Lillie, I get told this ALL the time about you. It can be in a cold room or in a hot room, but your feet run cold. My mama gut instincts are usually correct and you are usually not cold, you just have cold feet like your daddy. When I REALLY think you are cold, I put socks on you and you kick them off. And I put them back on and you kick them off. It's New Mexico and since you were born it's been under 65 only a handful of times and I read somewhere before you were born that the optimal temperature for a sleeping baby is 65-70. This is what I keep in mind most of the time people tell me things like that because I know they mean well and are just wanting the best for you, but I am with you the most, I know you the most, and if there were anyone who knows what is best it would be me. However, truly only God knows what's best for you and I have to just trust that He is instilling wisdom in me each day to know how best to take care of you.
3. You waking up from a nap early - early on I got you in the habit of taking a pretty good nap in the afternoon. On average you sleep 3.5 hours and usually it's within the window of 1:30-6:00. Sometimes you go to sleep at 1:30 and wake up at 5:00. Sometimes you go to sleep at 2:00 and wake up at 6:00. You just on average give me 3.5 hours where I can get things done and know you are not going to need to be changed, fed, entertained, calmed down, cleaned off, etc. When you wake up early, normal sense of reality would be to think, "Oh well, somethings off today," or "She probably just spit out her pacifier; I will go put it back in." My warped sense of reality tells me, "Panic! She is awake.! You aren't finished paying the bills - when will you finish?!?! There is too much to get done! I'm never going to not feel trapped as a mother. Why can't I just have 3.5 hours to myself?!" The progress I have made since coming to terms with this PPD/A, going to a therapist, and being very intentional about how I think and structure my day is that I recognize that these thoughts are irrational. I take a breath, and I immediately tell myself, "It's going to be okay. She may not take a big nap today; but we will get through it. We will have help in ______ hours so we've just got to make it through that time and then I will have help and can get done what I had started earlier. That's quite a big step from where I was. It used to be that I would have a meltdown, cry, beg you desperately to give me more sleep, text your dad that I'm losing my mind, plead with God to let you go back to sleep, and then let it ruin my entire day. Baby steps, Lillie, baby steps. But, I mean, you get that. You ARE a baby. :)
4. Being told, "No, you don't need to do _________. You can't even keep up with all you have going on right now." Reality: Don't add any more unnecessary stress to your life. Just take care of yourself and Lillie right now. Warped Reality: You are such a crappy mom that you can't even keep the house clean, the laundry done, the bills paid, the meals made; why would you try to do some side jobs or make your own baby food? This is a tough one too because again, people mean well. But sometimes, Lillie, people don't think about what it is like to be in your shoes and how a comment they make might make you feel. That's what is so tricky about mental illness. It's almost like this secret club that you don't want to be in, but somehow you have been elected president, and if you aren't a member you don't quite fully understand the people who are members. Your daddy belongs to a sports message board and sometimes I will ask him a question about it and he will use a word that was made up on said message board and try to explain to me how it works. He will say, "You just don't get it. There is a certain etiquette you have to follow on here and if you don't, they will make your life a living hell. There are hackers that will find out all of your personal information and go after you." Mental illness is kind of like that. There is certain etiquette to follow, but unless you have experience it, you really don't know all of the rules; i.e. calling someone who struggles with mental illness "crazy" or saying "just don't stress about it" to a person with anxiety." Our natural reactions would be to say, "I'll show you crazy" and "I'd absolutely love to not stress about it" while metaphorically finding out everything about you and ruining your life. ;)
All this being said, even though I am having a rough week per se, my rough week is about a 6 whereas 2 months ago this same kind of week would have been a 9. So, progress. I mentioned that I am very intentional now about my thoughts and how I structure my time. I am also more forgiving of myself. If I have a little freakout moment because it's the 80th time you've fussed at me during the day and your dad is somehow super chill, I step back and think, "This is only his 10th fuss of the day. My fuse was shorter; sometimes people reach a breaking point. 80 is apparently mine." I forgive myself, let dad step in, and I do something else that calms me down. I am very intentional about beginning to pray right when I am feeling overwhelmed and that I am beginning to spin out of control. I ask for patience and remind myself of how you are a blessing and something I have wanted for as long as I can remember. I take a step back and let gratitude and thanksgiving flood my thoughts to drown out the doubt, fear, anxiety, and worry that was there.
It's a tough job being a mommy, Lillie. And one that kind of goes unnoticed. There is no employee of the month parking, no bonuses, no recognition of achievement, no promotions, no free trips, no raises, and that's okay. There are kisses and hugs (one day). There are huge smiles when you see me. There are arms and legs going crazy from excitement that you cannot contain when I come to get you from your crib. There are laughs when I am singing you a silly song. There is your look of pure innocence and wonder when you discover something new. There is peace when you are sleeping in my arms. There is a calm when you go to sleep at night. There is joy watching you play. There is a sense of pride when you make even the grouchiest looking strangers smile.
You are the best little person I know. You are my favorite baby. You are an easier baby than I give you credit for. You are the cutest little thing. You are the greatest gift your dad and I have ever received. You are important. You are special. You are precious. And most of all, you are loved beyond measure.
Xoxo,
Mommy
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Friday, August 26, 2016
#5
This is very hard for me to do, Lillie James, but one day your dad asked me, "Are you journaling anywhere about your postpartum depression? You should. What if one day Lillie is going through it? It might be nice for her to know what you went through."
So, it's taken me a couple weeks since he said that for me to make the decision to not only write it for you, which I have done in a different journal, but for Jane Doe in Harrisburg, PA who feels alone in all of it. I can't really say exactly when it started, but I can say that I know when I came to terms with it on my own and that was around three months postpartum. I admitted it first to myself because I needed to accept it myself before I could tell your daddy. In an effort to really make sure it was postpartum depression I took to the Internet like any normal millennial and googled "postpartum depression symptoms." What came up was a list of symptoms and a paragraph prefaced the list saying, "You may not be experiencing all of the symptoms listed below or even most of them. Postpartum depression and anxiety are not 'one-size-fits-all' illnesses. Your experience may include just a few of the symptoms and you may not have others at all."
As I read through the list of symptoms I found that to be very true. Some of the symtoms were not related to what I was feeling while others felt like someone had found a way to tap into my thoughts. The first one on the list stuck out to me the most and it said,
- You feel overwhelmed. Not like “hey, this new mom thing is hard.” More like “I can’t do this and I’m never going to be able to do this.” You feel like you just can’t handle being a mother. In fact, you may be wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place.
I remember reading this and thinking, "Yes. How are they reading my mind? This is probably the toughest part of my depression/anxiety for me to grapple with because being a mom is something I've dreamed of forever. It is what I have always felt I was meant to do; what I would be the best at. I don't have many things in my life that I am great at. I am mediocre at best at a lot of things; a jack of all trades, master of none. But, being a mom, I was just certain it was going to be my calling. So when this depression/anxiety began to settle in I began to wonder, "Can I do this? Should I have waited? She deserves someone better. Why does putting her to sleep overwhelm me so much? Why do I hate getting up in the middle of the night? When will I sleep? When will it get better and when will I feel on top of it all?" These thoughts as a new mom, more specifically a mom who was so certain she wanted to be a mom, are terrifying to have.
The next symptom that stood out was,
- You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling motherhood better than this. You feel like your baby deserves better. You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don’t feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would. You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you.
I can remember telling your daddy, "She deserves better. She's going to see me crying all the time and know that I'm sad. That's not fair to her." I can also remember telling him, "I want to run away." I've said this even in the last 10 days. I woke up to feed you at 3:30 in the morning, came back to bed, and anxiety began to set in and all I could think was, "I've got to get in the car and drive away. I've got to leave. I can't do this." Thoughts of running away and leaving my family was also on this list of symptoms. This is a scary thing to feel when you love your family more than anything. I would do anything for you and Daddy. You are both the most important things in my life.
The last thing that really stood out to me was,
The last thing that really stood out to me was,
- You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you've lost the "old you" forever.
I can remember being out to lunch with you, Uncle Zak, Daddy, and Nonna. We were eating our meal when a group of three young girls came into the restaurant, sat down in the booth, and began to just gab like young girls do. I remember thinking, "I wish that were me." It's an awful feeling to think these things and again it's so confusing because I love you more than anything. Sometimes I look at you and just think, "Why is she just the best thing ever?!" So, feeling so selfish and longing for another reality is frustrating, scary, and confusing. One of the things I am working through with my therapist (you can find me on Real Housewives of Rio Rancho) is making time for myself and finding ways to be more than just a mom whether that is taking 30 minutes to do my hair and hanging out with girls that either aren't moms or girls that are moms but can talk about things other than that.
One thing that does not help with my depression and anxiety is that we live in a social media world where without even knowing it, we feel pressured to fit into this box and love every single minute of being a mom. We see posts from other moms that talk about how great motherhood is, how it's the best thing ever, how their babies are the best, how they sleep through the night, how they are rolling over, how life didn't make sense until motherhood. But, this, this is not the whole truth. You see, people usually don't post about the hard days, the hard times, the getting pooped on, the crying baby that won't sleep, the baby that is going through a growth spurt and won't quit nursing, the anxiety you feel when you first take the baby out on the town, the pressure to reach every milestone on time. People post the highlights: The baby who is now sleeping through the night (after months of no sleep), the baby that is rolling over (after fearing it would never happen), the baby that is smiling (only minutes after throwing a major fit), the bath time cuteness (that should have happened days ago but didn't because mom was just out of motivation).
There are even people, Lillie James, who will see those successes and out of jealousy or feelings of inferiority will not support the mom who proudly posted the baby's accomplishments. It sounds so silly to say, the older I get the more I realize just how silly our gender is, but there are moms who you support and encourage by liking all their posts about motherhood/their babies who will for whatever reason never like anything you post about yours. I know, so trivial and so petty, but this is the world we live in and noticing that this is going on hurts your feelings because you wonder why everyone can't just be supportive, kind, and loving towards each other.
I am so aware of the unrealistic expectations that moms have to be perfect 24/7 and make everyone think that they have it all together, but I am kind of tired of it. It would be super easy to just delete my social media accounts but the truth is, I like seeing what my friends are up to and what exciting or not so exciting things are going on in their lives. You know what would be refreshing to see? A picture of someone else's baby throwing a major fit. A post from a mom who is honest about her struggles instead of trying to create this picture perfect notion of motherhood.
The thing is, motherhood is exhausting. There are nights when I think, "If she doesn't sleep until 4, I will die. I'm pretty sure I will never sleep again." There are days when I think, "I really don't want to pace up and down my living room to get her to go down for her nap. I just want to lay her down, grab a Diet Coke, and watch terrible TV to unwind." There are days when you are napping and I think, "Please don't wake up for 3 hours. If you do, I may lose it because I need to do laundry, cook, clean, call some company that charged us too much money." There are also nights when you wake up at 2 in the morning, I stomp off to your bedroom while ignoring your daddy's question of, "Are you okay," and I see your smiling face and forget just how mad I was that you woke me up. There are also days when I think, "I can't wait to laugh with her about how silly she was and the things her daddy and I did to get her to sleep." And there are also days when you are napping and I think, "I can't wait to go get her from her nap and see her happy face."
The most important thing to take from all of this is that I love you more than you could ever imagine, I want the best for you, and you make me so very happy. Yes, I'm struggling with postpartum depression, but I am taking necessary steps to come out on top. Yes, there are days when it's just the two of us and I am counting down the minutes until your daddy gets home. Yes, there are days when I want to run away, but I don't. In an effort to keep daddy in the loop and also not let things fester in my mind, I tell him when I am feeling like running away and how much that makes me feel like a terrible mother and he always says, "It's okay to feel like that. The important thing is that you don't run away and that makes you a wonderful mother." You'll soon learn that I think your daddy hung the moon and you will understand why. One thing you and I will always be is honest with each other, even when what we need to be honest about is scary.
I love you, Lillie James. I am working on being the best mommy I can for you, so just hang in there with me.
Xoxo,
Mommy
Thursday, July 7, 2016
#4
It's been 11 weeks since Lillie was born. I said in
my last blog that I wanted to share my birth story in a later blog.
While I was pregnant with Lillie I read a book called Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. The
beginning of the book is a compilation of different birth stories. I
read a few and kind of got the point, which I thought to be "no birthing
experience is the same."
After reading the aforementioned book, I began reading another book with Kyle that was recommended to him by a few patients. It was a book on The Bradley Method for child labor. We read the book, we practiced the exercises, and in my mind I had this idea of how my labor and delivery would go; despite everyone saying, "Have a plan, but just understand that it may go nothing like you plan,"
Deep down though, I really thought it was going to go like I planned. I had this idea that I would go into labor at my house, preferably at night. I would sleep through the first part of it just waiting on either my water to break or my contractions to get to a certain point. I would go to the hospital, dilate the rest of the way, and then push that baby out.
This. Did. Not. Happen. (Not in the slightest).
This is how it actually went down. I was 6 days past due and had an ultrasound scheduled to check the baby's practice breathing, fluid levels, heartbeat, umbilical cord heartbeat, muscle tone, and movement. I had decided early on that I didn't want to induce unless medically necessary or until 42 weeks and I did not want my cervix checked unless I had been having pretty strong contractions because it would not change anything. (This is one thing that I am glad I did).
Monday, the 18th of April, I went to the specialist to have the ultrasound done. I had already done the same thing at 40+2 weeks so I thought I was going to be told the same thing, "Baby is fine. You are fine. You are free to still wait." Again, I was wrong.
The ultrasound technician was doing all of the measurements and taking all her pictures and about 5 minutes in said, "How do you feel about being induced?" This translates to, "You are going to be induced." I told her, "I don't want to be but obviously I will if I need to." At this point she explained that my amniotic fluid levels were on the very low end so because of that, if most likely be induced. Fast forward through a lot of back and forth from the NP on duty and the on call doctoe she had to confirm with and I was calling Kyle and our families informing them that we would be having the baby that day.
Kyle met me at the doctors just as I was leaving and we headed home to gather up the hospital bag which was all packed except for the last minute items. I was scrambling around, Kyle was filming the process, and we took one final picture as just a family of three before we headed out. This was the beginning of it not being anything like I had planned. I was not having any contractions. I hadn't had any contractions. My water had not broken and yet here I was headed out to meet Lillie.
We got to the hospital, did the admission, and then a nurse began to explain my options as far as induction was concerned. We were moved from triage to L&D and after being check to find out I was only 1 cm dilated we decided to try a Cook's catheter, which is designed to accelerate cervical ripening before labor is induced. (See Picture) The catheter is inserted into the cervix until both balloons have entered the cervical canal. Then the uterine balloon is inflated with 40 mL of saline. After that is inflated, the catheter is pulled back until the uterine balloon is against the internal cervical os (which is the part of the cervix that opens up to the uterus). Then the vaginal balloon is inflated with 20 mL of saline. Once both balloons are on each side of the cervix then more fluid is added to each balloon until the contain 80 mL.
I had never had a catheter that I know of until this one and lets just say I hope that it's the last one I have for a while. The pressure of the balloon was so uncomfortable. You want to be laying down and resing during the "easy part" but the catheter makes it tricky to get comfortable and the rocks they have for hospital beds don't help much at all. This device can stay in a maximum of 12 hours and mine stayed in all 12 hours. I vomited three times while the catheter was in because well, it was the worst. They took out the catheter to see if I had dilated at all and I had gone to 4 cm and my water had broken.
It was time to start pitocin. I had read about pitocin and did not want to use it but are we noticing a theme yet? I've pretty much done everything that I didn't want to do. I didn't want to use the pitocin because I had read that it can make your contractions a lot more painful. But, we started it, and I rarely toot my own horn (only to my husband and brother) but I kind of rocked the whole Bradley Method of breathing. I did 19 hours of pitocin and with every contraction I just zoned out. If someone was talking to me, I quit listening and just closed my eyes and breathed. If I was talking, I stopped mid-sentence. After 12 hours, they checked me again and I had not dilated anymore. Bring on catheter number 2! This one monitors the contractions closer to make sure they are at a level that would cause me to dilate. They were all within the range to be progressive, but I was still at a stand still.
Shortly after I decided again to do something not in the plan: an epidural. I cried with Kyle and my doctor because I had worked and worked so hard for about 30 hours and I didn't want to feel like I was throwing in the towel. It was a feeling of failure and I didn't want that. I was at a point where I was so exhausted and thought that maybe if I could relax a little bit, then I would be able to dilate more, and not have a C-Section. I was also told if it came to a c-section, it would be much easier to already have the epidural in. At about 8 p.m. there was a shift change and my OB that I had done all my pre-natal visits with came in as the on call doctor. She said she wanted to check me again to see if I had dilated any more. She checked and I hadn't. She told me she had been monitoring what was going on all day from her office and she didn't think it was looking good. I was getting close to the 24 hour mark since my water broke and there is risk of infection after that so we discussed and I cried about having a c-section because part of me felt like I had worked and worked for nothing. Imagine hiking 3/4 of the way up a mountain, having to go back down because the rest of the trail was closed, and only not getting to see that magnificent view at the top. That's how I felt.
I was nervous for the C-Section because it's surgery and there are complications that come along with surgery. To add insult to injury, I was told they would come get me shortly and we would head to the operating room, but they came back in to tell me that we had to wait because the woman next door was ready to push and my doctor had to deliver her baby. Not to long after I heard the cheering and aside from the c-section itself, that was the worst feeling in the world.
They came to get me and Kyle was outside with our family praying. They went to get him and we made our way to the operating room. We got to a little waiting area near the room and they had Kyle stop there to put on his scrubs and told him they would come get him once I was ready. Note to medical professionals: people like me want their husbands with them the whole time and since this was not really an "emergency" type situation, we could have waited for him to put his stuff on and then all gone into the room together. They moved me from my hospital bed to the operating table and then strapped my arms down out to my sides in the position one would hang on a cross. They began to give me the anesthesia and then told me they would be testing the area they would be cutting open to see if I was completely numb. She started on my left side and I felt a sharp pain. I said, "Ow!" and my doctor said, "Where did you feel something?" I told her only on the left and was thinking, "These clowns better get me completely numb or they will have to find another way for this baby to come out because I am not about to sit her awake while someone slices me open."
They tilted the table to the left so I was hanging to one side. This was to ensure that area would be completely numb. Again, this would have been a nice time to have my husband in the room holding my hand. He was just waiting outside wondering what was going on. After testing again to make sure the area was numb, they brought Kyle in and he held my hand. They place a sheet of some kind above your waist so that you and your partner cannot see what's going on. They sliced me open, which I did not feel, thank God. Then they began to pull sweet Lillie out. This ladies and gentlemen is the weirdest, most uncomfortable feeling in the world because you can feel all of the pulling and tugging but it doesn't feel like you would imagine it would and it takes longer to get the baby out than you would think it does. It was the absolute worst thing in the world. They kept saying, "We are almost done, hang in there."
I heard Lillie cry and then let it out. I began sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. They asked Kyle, "Do you want to see her, Dad?" and I remember sensing his hesitation because while he wanted to see her he knew that she had the nurses there and I only had him. He didn't want to leave me because I was in a state of shock and shaking. He was asking, "Is this supposed to happen? Is she okay?" He went over to see Lillie, I think mainly to not seem like a bad dad for wanting to make sure I am okay. They brought her over to show me her and I cried and wondered whose nose she had. They asked if I wanted to do skin to skin on the table. Of course I did so they put her on my chest. About that time, while still not being able to quit shaking, I felt like I was going to vomit. They brought over a basin for me and I said, "I can't do this. I don't want to throw up with her on me."
This is the last thing I remember and then I woke up, Kyle was gone and they were getting ready to take me to my postpartum room. Kyle filled in the gap which was that they took him and Lillie and made him do skin to skin since I couldn't do it. I got back to the room and got to hold her and nurse her and the rest of the night was a blur.
I am writing my story out for Lillie to know but also to be honest because I think sometimes we think we are bad moms if we don't just say, "Well it wasn't how I planned it but the end result was great" or some other cliché response. I am guilty of saying this when really my feelings about my delivery is that it sucked. I hated the c-section. Every. Minute. Of. It. I did not get to see my baby right when she came into the world. That sucked. I didn't get to hold my baby right when she came into the world. That sucked. I was shaking so badly and wanted to vomit so I had to make them take her away. That sucked. I passed out and woke up not knowing where Kyle or Lillie were. That sucked. I did not get to deliver her in the way I had hoped and practiced for. And that sucked. Am I glad she is here and she is healthy? Yes. Am I glad nothing went wrong during the c-section? Yes. But I am allowed to be sad about not getting to deliver her the way I wanted.
I in some ways feel I was robbed of a rite of passage. To say, I had a c-section, makes me feel less than. It shouldn't, but it does. To know that if we have another child, I will most likely have to have another c-section makes me sad as well. I had heard of people who elect to have a c-section or who loved having c-sections and I think, "They must be off their rocker; but, to each their own." I just recently had a peace about my delivery and decided that it's okay that I didn't like it and think it was magical. It's okay that I am bummed I didn't get to even try to have her naturally. Will I dwell on it? No. But it's nice to know that I am allowed to have those feelings. And I will be honest when people ask my about it. I will not tell you some prepackaged answer about how it's okay because I got her in the end.
I loved every minute of getting her here until the surgery. I loved the pregnancy, I loved the excitement of packing for the hospital, I loved getting to put my practice of relaxing through the contractions to work, and I loved getting to spend all that time doing these things with Kyle.
Lillie, you are one of the greatest gifts in my life (you're dad choosing to be my best friend forever is the other one) and I cannot imagine my world without you. I hope one day you will be proud of me for the work I did to get you here the natural way and for the decision I made to go the surgical route when things weren't looking very promising. Just know that I tried my very best to get you here the natural way and I tried to be super tough during the procedure of having you the not so natural way. I hope you understand that me not liking my delivery has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. Would I do it all over again to get you here? You betcha! You are the best thing in the world and I am so glad you are here!
Xoxo,
Mommy
After reading the aforementioned book, I began reading another book with Kyle that was recommended to him by a few patients. It was a book on The Bradley Method for child labor. We read the book, we practiced the exercises, and in my mind I had this idea of how my labor and delivery would go; despite everyone saying, "Have a plan, but just understand that it may go nothing like you plan,"
Deep down though, I really thought it was going to go like I planned. I had this idea that I would go into labor at my house, preferably at night. I would sleep through the first part of it just waiting on either my water to break or my contractions to get to a certain point. I would go to the hospital, dilate the rest of the way, and then push that baby out.
This. Did. Not. Happen. (Not in the slightest).
This is how it actually went down. I was 6 days past due and had an ultrasound scheduled to check the baby's practice breathing, fluid levels, heartbeat, umbilical cord heartbeat, muscle tone, and movement. I had decided early on that I didn't want to induce unless medically necessary or until 42 weeks and I did not want my cervix checked unless I had been having pretty strong contractions because it would not change anything. (This is one thing that I am glad I did).
Monday, the 18th of April, I went to the specialist to have the ultrasound done. I had already done the same thing at 40+2 weeks so I thought I was going to be told the same thing, "Baby is fine. You are fine. You are free to still wait." Again, I was wrong.
The ultrasound technician was doing all of the measurements and taking all her pictures and about 5 minutes in said, "How do you feel about being induced?" This translates to, "You are going to be induced." I told her, "I don't want to be but obviously I will if I need to." At this point she explained that my amniotic fluid levels were on the very low end so because of that, if most likely be induced. Fast forward through a lot of back and forth from the NP on duty and the on call doctoe she had to confirm with and I was calling Kyle and our families informing them that we would be having the baby that day.
Kyle met me at the doctors just as I was leaving and we headed home to gather up the hospital bag which was all packed except for the last minute items. I was scrambling around, Kyle was filming the process, and we took one final picture as just a family of three before we headed out. This was the beginning of it not being anything like I had planned. I was not having any contractions. I hadn't had any contractions. My water had not broken and yet here I was headed out to meet Lillie.
We got to the hospital, did the admission, and then a nurse began to explain my options as far as induction was concerned. We were moved from triage to L&D and after being check to find out I was only 1 cm dilated we decided to try a Cook's catheter, which is designed to accelerate cervical ripening before labor is induced. (See Picture) The catheter is inserted into the cervix until both balloons have entered the cervical canal. Then the uterine balloon is inflated with 40 mL of saline. After that is inflated, the catheter is pulled back until the uterine balloon is against the internal cervical os (which is the part of the cervix that opens up to the uterus). Then the vaginal balloon is inflated with 20 mL of saline. Once both balloons are on each side of the cervix then more fluid is added to each balloon until the contain 80 mL.
I had never had a catheter that I know of until this one and lets just say I hope that it's the last one I have for a while. The pressure of the balloon was so uncomfortable. You want to be laying down and resing during the "easy part" but the catheter makes it tricky to get comfortable and the rocks they have for hospital beds don't help much at all. This device can stay in a maximum of 12 hours and mine stayed in all 12 hours. I vomited three times while the catheter was in because well, it was the worst. They took out the catheter to see if I had dilated at all and I had gone to 4 cm and my water had broken.
It was time to start pitocin. I had read about pitocin and did not want to use it but are we noticing a theme yet? I've pretty much done everything that I didn't want to do. I didn't want to use the pitocin because I had read that it can make your contractions a lot more painful. But, we started it, and I rarely toot my own horn (only to my husband and brother) but I kind of rocked the whole Bradley Method of breathing. I did 19 hours of pitocin and with every contraction I just zoned out. If someone was talking to me, I quit listening and just closed my eyes and breathed. If I was talking, I stopped mid-sentence. After 12 hours, they checked me again and I had not dilated anymore. Bring on catheter number 2! This one monitors the contractions closer to make sure they are at a level that would cause me to dilate. They were all within the range to be progressive, but I was still at a stand still.
Shortly after I decided again to do something not in the plan: an epidural. I cried with Kyle and my doctor because I had worked and worked so hard for about 30 hours and I didn't want to feel like I was throwing in the towel. It was a feeling of failure and I didn't want that. I was at a point where I was so exhausted and thought that maybe if I could relax a little bit, then I would be able to dilate more, and not have a C-Section. I was also told if it came to a c-section, it would be much easier to already have the epidural in. At about 8 p.m. there was a shift change and my OB that I had done all my pre-natal visits with came in as the on call doctor. She said she wanted to check me again to see if I had dilated any more. She checked and I hadn't. She told me she had been monitoring what was going on all day from her office and she didn't think it was looking good. I was getting close to the 24 hour mark since my water broke and there is risk of infection after that so we discussed and I cried about having a c-section because part of me felt like I had worked and worked for nothing. Imagine hiking 3/4 of the way up a mountain, having to go back down because the rest of the trail was closed, and only not getting to see that magnificent view at the top. That's how I felt.
I was nervous for the C-Section because it's surgery and there are complications that come along with surgery. To add insult to injury, I was told they would come get me shortly and we would head to the operating room, but they came back in to tell me that we had to wait because the woman next door was ready to push and my doctor had to deliver her baby. Not to long after I heard the cheering and aside from the c-section itself, that was the worst feeling in the world.
They came to get me and Kyle was outside with our family praying. They went to get him and we made our way to the operating room. We got to a little waiting area near the room and they had Kyle stop there to put on his scrubs and told him they would come get him once I was ready. Note to medical professionals: people like me want their husbands with them the whole time and since this was not really an "emergency" type situation, we could have waited for him to put his stuff on and then all gone into the room together. They moved me from my hospital bed to the operating table and then strapped my arms down out to my sides in the position one would hang on a cross. They began to give me the anesthesia and then told me they would be testing the area they would be cutting open to see if I was completely numb. She started on my left side and I felt a sharp pain. I said, "Ow!" and my doctor said, "Where did you feel something?" I told her only on the left and was thinking, "These clowns better get me completely numb or they will have to find another way for this baby to come out because I am not about to sit her awake while someone slices me open."
They tilted the table to the left so I was hanging to one side. This was to ensure that area would be completely numb. Again, this would have been a nice time to have my husband in the room holding my hand. He was just waiting outside wondering what was going on. After testing again to make sure the area was numb, they brought Kyle in and he held my hand. They place a sheet of some kind above your waist so that you and your partner cannot see what's going on. They sliced me open, which I did not feel, thank God. Then they began to pull sweet Lillie out. This ladies and gentlemen is the weirdest, most uncomfortable feeling in the world because you can feel all of the pulling and tugging but it doesn't feel like you would imagine it would and it takes longer to get the baby out than you would think it does. It was the absolute worst thing in the world. They kept saying, "We are almost done, hang in there."
I heard Lillie cry and then let it out. I began sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. They asked Kyle, "Do you want to see her, Dad?" and I remember sensing his hesitation because while he wanted to see her he knew that she had the nurses there and I only had him. He didn't want to leave me because I was in a state of shock and shaking. He was asking, "Is this supposed to happen? Is she okay?" He went over to see Lillie, I think mainly to not seem like a bad dad for wanting to make sure I am okay. They brought her over to show me her and I cried and wondered whose nose she had. They asked if I wanted to do skin to skin on the table. Of course I did so they put her on my chest. About that time, while still not being able to quit shaking, I felt like I was going to vomit. They brought over a basin for me and I said, "I can't do this. I don't want to throw up with her on me."
This is the last thing I remember and then I woke up, Kyle was gone and they were getting ready to take me to my postpartum room. Kyle filled in the gap which was that they took him and Lillie and made him do skin to skin since I couldn't do it. I got back to the room and got to hold her and nurse her and the rest of the night was a blur.
I am writing my story out for Lillie to know but also to be honest because I think sometimes we think we are bad moms if we don't just say, "Well it wasn't how I planned it but the end result was great" or some other cliché response. I am guilty of saying this when really my feelings about my delivery is that it sucked. I hated the c-section. Every. Minute. Of. It. I did not get to see my baby right when she came into the world. That sucked. I didn't get to hold my baby right when she came into the world. That sucked. I was shaking so badly and wanted to vomit so I had to make them take her away. That sucked. I passed out and woke up not knowing where Kyle or Lillie were. That sucked. I did not get to deliver her in the way I had hoped and practiced for. And that sucked. Am I glad she is here and she is healthy? Yes. Am I glad nothing went wrong during the c-section? Yes. But I am allowed to be sad about not getting to deliver her the way I wanted.
I in some ways feel I was robbed of a rite of passage. To say, I had a c-section, makes me feel less than. It shouldn't, but it does. To know that if we have another child, I will most likely have to have another c-section makes me sad as well. I had heard of people who elect to have a c-section or who loved having c-sections and I think, "They must be off their rocker; but, to each their own." I just recently had a peace about my delivery and decided that it's okay that I didn't like it and think it was magical. It's okay that I am bummed I didn't get to even try to have her naturally. Will I dwell on it? No. But it's nice to know that I am allowed to have those feelings. And I will be honest when people ask my about it. I will not tell you some prepackaged answer about how it's okay because I got her in the end.
I loved every minute of getting her here until the surgery. I loved the pregnancy, I loved the excitement of packing for the hospital, I loved getting to put my practice of relaxing through the contractions to work, and I loved getting to spend all that time doing these things with Kyle.
Lillie, you are one of the greatest gifts in my life (you're dad choosing to be my best friend forever is the other one) and I cannot imagine my world without you. I hope one day you will be proud of me for the work I did to get you here the natural way and for the decision I made to go the surgical route when things weren't looking very promising. Just know that I tried my very best to get you here the natural way and I tried to be super tough during the procedure of having you the not so natural way. I hope you understand that me not liking my delivery has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. Would I do it all over again to get you here? You betcha! You are the best thing in the world and I am so glad you are here!
Xoxo,
Mommy
Monday, June 13, 2016
#3
This blog will probably be very scattered as that is how my brain feels lately. Part of what I love about blogging is being open and honest so that maybe someone else in a similar situation will be able to find comfort in knowing that they are not alone in this world whether that be someone I know personally or someone that just stumbles across this.
Today is Monday. As a stay-at-home mom, Monday's have become my least favorite day of the week. Why? Because from Friday at around 5:00 p.m. to Monday morning at around 7:30 a.m. I am not alone in this. I've got the best support around. I've got a diaper changer, a rocker, a "hey hey hey, you're okay sissy" sayer, and a pacifier holder til she falls asleeper. I've got a partner in this. Finding time to shower, pee, do my hair, put on makeup, run to the store, do laundry, pay bills, call companies to complain about high bills, pick up the house, vacuum, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, and occasionally throw in a hobby or two is a piece of cake on the weekends when you have a partner.
I shouldn't have to because it's my blog, but I feel that I should preface the rest of this entry by saying that I am so incredibly grateful to be a mom and I am not writing this to complain. I also by no means feel that my position as a stay-at-home mom is any better or more difficult than a working mom. They are very different but also the same: Both are needed 24/7. I personally cannot fathom working a 9-5 and then coming home to a baby who is dependent on you for their every need or coming home to a baby who you've missed all day long just to have to put them down for bed a few hours later.
When people think of stay-at-home moms there is this misconception that we are just sitting in our pajamas, watching The Real Housewives of Dallas, and drinking iced tea or coffee all day long while occasionally feeding or changing the baby. Real talk; I am in the dress I wore yesterday because when I put Lillie down to bed last night I hadn't done the laundry so both of the shorts I like to wear as pajamas were dirty and frankly, it was easier to just crawl into bed and not have to deal with changing. You want some more honesty? I'm still in said dress and went to Target this morning in the dress, hair pulled back, and yesterday's makeup. Do I watch The Real Housewives of Dallas and drink iced tea? Yes. But, it's usually while I'm feeding my daughter for the one hundredth time or rocking her because heaven forbid she fall asleep on her own.
When I heard stay-at-home moms pre-baby say things like, "I work just as hard as those women who have jobs" I thought, "Ya, okay, right. Keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better." Now, I am a SAHM and I apologize for ever thinking that. It's the best but the most exhausting/draining job I've ever had, and I was pregnant for 9 months working with four year olds who on average ask 437 questions PER DAY.
Some days, I truly want to run away and just hope that a pack of wolves Mowgli's my daughter for a day so I can shower when I want to, eat when I want to, pee when I want to, sleep when I want to and however long I want to, run errands any time of the day, do my hair, do my makeup, not wear a nursing bra, not wear a shirt for easy access, and not deal with someone else's poop. But the most conflicting part of those feelings is knowing how even if a pack of wolves was helping to raise my daughter for a day, I would miss her terribly.
This is another thing about being a stay-home-mom that I didn't realize would happen. There are times during the day when I think, "If you don't take a nap right now, I'm going to have to check myself into the looney bin." But, when she finally goes to sleep and decides to nap in her own bed, I immediately miss her and wish she would wake up. There is really nothing that highlights just how selfish we are as human beings more than having a newborn who depends on you for everything but there is also nothing that prepares you for just how much you will instantly love your child even when you want to pull your hair out. There is no amount of crying, poop, rocking, cluster feeding, or fussiness that can decrease the amount of love I have for Lillie.
I asked Kyle Saturday what his favorite thing about having Lillie is and he said, "Learning new things about you." I asked what he meant and he said, "Really, I just like seeing you in a new role." In the middle of the night I had a little meltdown moment because I was tired, Lillie woke up 4 hours after I put her down, then I fed her which took an hour, and then she woke up 45 minutes later. Kyle rubbed my shoulders as I fed her, burped her for me, and consoled me. While we were going back to sleep he prayed for me and one thing he asked for was for God to use this time for me to learn new things. That really stuck with me and so today I'm trying to focus on using this new role of mommy to teach me more about myself. I thought I was patient; Lillie showed me otherwise and now I know I can really work on that. I have always been a worrier and there are definitely a thousand things that a baby can make you worry about so I need to continue to work on that. I think the most precious thing I've really been able to grasp since having Lillie is just how much my Heavenly Father loves me no matter what I do. That unconditional love cannot be beat.
Lillie, I love you so very much. More than I can put into words. Your smiles can make even the most exhausting day worth it. You are one of my best friends even though you don't know it yet. Thank you for being you and for teaching me about myself and helping me to grow as a person and in my relationship with Christ.
xoxo,
Mommy
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
#2
Being a mommy has been an eye-opening world of new things that I've never experienced. You can take all the classes they offer (I did) and you can be kellymom.com's most frequent visitor, but until you actually put motherhood into practice you don't fully understand just how much you have to learn and figure out by trial and error.
One of the things that I had taken a class on and read about before hand was breastfeeding. I left the class thinking, "I've got all the information. I've taken good notes. This will be a walk in the park." SIKE. All the veteran breastfeeders are probably saying, "Poor little naïve Nicole." Breastfeeding is the most frustrating thing I've ever had to learn how to do and I now understand just why so many people quit. The best piece of advice I can give a new mom trying to make breastfeeding successful is to relax, let your baby tell you when they are hungry, and do what feels right for you and your baby.
The most stressful part of trying to get the hang of breastfeeding was just all the different conflicting information. I had a c-section (my birth story will be blogged about soon) and so my milk took longer to come in and I spent 3 full days in the hospital after Lillie was born. That means I had 6 different nurses in those three days and they all had a different opinion on what to do as far as breastfeeding. I also had a pediatrician who was a little quick to want me to supplement with formula and having never done this before, I just went with what she said.
I was told in my breastfeeding class that if we introduced a bottle or a pacifier too early then the baby would have "nipple confusion," have a bad latch, and would be more likely to resist the breast. So when they told me I had to supplement formula of course I wanted to know if there was an option that would let me avoid a bottle. (I am a rule follower and a perfectionist so if they told me in the class to avoid something, well then I was going to avoid it.) The nurse told us we could use a SNS tube which basically just lays on the nipple so that the baby can latch and think they are getting the milk from your breast and not the bottle. That was a nightmare. Trying to get her to latch, get the tube in there at the same time, and keep it in there was like trying to herd cats.
The first few days at home there were many tears. I innately did not want to supplement because that made me feel like I was not producing enough and providing for my baby. I read where supplementing can decrease your milk supply so I was terrified I would mess things up and have to formula feed Lillie. I had different opinions coming at me, was reading conflicting ideas, and was cluster feeding so I was exhausted.
I went to Lillie's pediatrician appointment and they were asking how everything was going, if my milk came in, etc. My mom asked the nurse what her thoughts on pacifiers were and she told me that it was fine and that in her 30 years of doing this, no baby has ever been confused at the nipple. So, we started pacifiers that day. Then after a few more days of frustration with breastfeeding; questions like should I wake her every 2-3 hours, should I let her sleep, should I stop the pacifier, is she latching wrong, is she getting enough, and should I give her formula were stressing me out. One morning I was sobbing and Kyle hugged me and said, "Look, you do what you want to do. You know what is best. It's your body. If you want to keep trying to breastfeed I will support you. If you want to quit and switch to formula I will support you. You can do whatever you want, but don't stress about it because it's not good for you and it's not good for her." That and something my mom told me, ("Back when we breastfed we just fed you when you were hungry,") really resonated with me. I relaxed and just let Lillie lead the way; after all, I don't really need anyone to tell me when I am hungry and need to eat, so why should she? And she definitely lets me know. ;)
At her second doctor's appointment I was a little anxious because I kept wondering during the days and weeks before if she was getting enough. I was terrified they were going to weigh her and say, "What are you doing because she is not gaining enough weight. Are you feeding her enough?" They put her on the scale and she weighed 9.44 lbs which was almost two pounds more than when they weighed her 24 days before at her last appointment. The nurse said, "Are you breastfeeding?" and I told her I was and she said, "Great. Well, whatever you are doing is working because she looks really healthy and perfect." I was so relieved.
There are days when Lillie changes up the game on me and throws me for a loop, but overall breastfeeding is not this huge mountain I've got to get around and I don't have that pressure and stress. I was thinking the other day of making a list of all the things I've learned about breastfeeding so far because you never really know until you know and some things are just rather humorous.
1. Cracked nipples are no joke. I'm pretty sure I went through an entire tube of lanolin cream in 3 days. (I don't even use it anymore)
2. Nipple shields are for the birds. I couldn't get them to stay on to save my life.
3. Having a fast "let down" can cause your child to choke and push off of your boob as if you are trying to poison them.
4. The football hold should be called the "I want carpal tunnel hold." After a few days of trying that one out, I decided that I liked not having that pain so back to cross-cradle we went.
5. I know all women have breasts but it still doesn't make whipping mine out in a room full of strangers comfortable. Yes, I went to a breastfeeding workshop where we all nursed our babies at the same time with no covers on.
6. Nursing in front of family is the worst. I know they are family but it's the worst. You just end up doing it because when your baby is trying to break the record on the most feedings in one day, you eventually chose hanging out with family while nursing over going into a private room; even though you just really want to go to that private room.
7. Nursing in front of people is not as bad when people just look at your face (or somewhere else) and avoid looking at the baby. If you look at the baby, you pretty much are just staring at my boobs and that's when it becomes really weird. People have done this.
8. You will never feel the same about your boobs again so long as a child is attached to them throughout the day.
9. Cramping while nursing during the first few weeks of breastfeeding is most painful.
10. You will not always know when your milk comes in. I was told, "Oh, you will know. You will feel it. It will be painful." I had no clue when mine came in.
11. Talking about your milk production with your pediatrician will never feel normal.
12. Pumping will make you feel like a cow.
13. Normal shirts are pretty much out of the question for a while.
14. Don't forget to wear your nursing pads.
15. If you see multiple spots on your sheets where it looks like someone spilled something, that's all the milk that you leaked during the night because your nursing pads only work when they stay in the right place.
16. Pumped milk will be like gold. Every little drop counts and when you spill some, you will stare at it a minute reminiscing about just how long it took you to pump that spilled milk at 3:30 in the morning.
17. The phrase people use about disasters being a "cluster" had to come from cluster feeding. During these cluster feeding phases, you will feel like all you are good for is milk and that you will never sleep again. (This is of course not true).
18. There is no cry like the "I'm hungry cry." When my daughter's face is turning purple because I just can't get her changed, my pillow in my lap, and my boob out fast enough I just picture Chris Farley in that SNL skit yelling, "LAY OFF ME; I'M STARVING!"
19. You will try so many weird things to relieve nipple pain the first few weeks: Ice packs on your boobs, dipping your boobs in warm salt solution for 10 minutes, rubbing your own milk on your nipple after a feeding.
20. Last, but definitely not least, if you can make it work and you figure it out, it can actually be one of the sweetest things and the most peaceful part of your day. There's nothing quite as satisfying as the look of a milk drunk baby.
Lillie, you are most definitely worth all the tears, lanolin cream, warm salt solution, lack of sleep, and hours spent looking up all things breastfeeding.
I love you.
Xoxo,
Mommy
One of the things that I had taken a class on and read about before hand was breastfeeding. I left the class thinking, "I've got all the information. I've taken good notes. This will be a walk in the park." SIKE. All the veteran breastfeeders are probably saying, "Poor little naïve Nicole." Breastfeeding is the most frustrating thing I've ever had to learn how to do and I now understand just why so many people quit. The best piece of advice I can give a new mom trying to make breastfeeding successful is to relax, let your baby tell you when they are hungry, and do what feels right for you and your baby.
The most stressful part of trying to get the hang of breastfeeding was just all the different conflicting information. I had a c-section (my birth story will be blogged about soon) and so my milk took longer to come in and I spent 3 full days in the hospital after Lillie was born. That means I had 6 different nurses in those three days and they all had a different opinion on what to do as far as breastfeeding. I also had a pediatrician who was a little quick to want me to supplement with formula and having never done this before, I just went with what she said.
I was told in my breastfeeding class that if we introduced a bottle or a pacifier too early then the baby would have "nipple confusion," have a bad latch, and would be more likely to resist the breast. So when they told me I had to supplement formula of course I wanted to know if there was an option that would let me avoid a bottle. (I am a rule follower and a perfectionist so if they told me in the class to avoid something, well then I was going to avoid it.) The nurse told us we could use a SNS tube which basically just lays on the nipple so that the baby can latch and think they are getting the milk from your breast and not the bottle. That was a nightmare. Trying to get her to latch, get the tube in there at the same time, and keep it in there was like trying to herd cats.
The first few days at home there were many tears. I innately did not want to supplement because that made me feel like I was not producing enough and providing for my baby. I read where supplementing can decrease your milk supply so I was terrified I would mess things up and have to formula feed Lillie. I had different opinions coming at me, was reading conflicting ideas, and was cluster feeding so I was exhausted.
I went to Lillie's pediatrician appointment and they were asking how everything was going, if my milk came in, etc. My mom asked the nurse what her thoughts on pacifiers were and she told me that it was fine and that in her 30 years of doing this, no baby has ever been confused at the nipple. So, we started pacifiers that day. Then after a few more days of frustration with breastfeeding; questions like should I wake her every 2-3 hours, should I let her sleep, should I stop the pacifier, is she latching wrong, is she getting enough, and should I give her formula were stressing me out. One morning I was sobbing and Kyle hugged me and said, "Look, you do what you want to do. You know what is best. It's your body. If you want to keep trying to breastfeed I will support you. If you want to quit and switch to formula I will support you. You can do whatever you want, but don't stress about it because it's not good for you and it's not good for her." That and something my mom told me, ("Back when we breastfed we just fed you when you were hungry,") really resonated with me. I relaxed and just let Lillie lead the way; after all, I don't really need anyone to tell me when I am hungry and need to eat, so why should she? And she definitely lets me know. ;)
At her second doctor's appointment I was a little anxious because I kept wondering during the days and weeks before if she was getting enough. I was terrified they were going to weigh her and say, "What are you doing because she is not gaining enough weight. Are you feeding her enough?" They put her on the scale and she weighed 9.44 lbs which was almost two pounds more than when they weighed her 24 days before at her last appointment. The nurse said, "Are you breastfeeding?" and I told her I was and she said, "Great. Well, whatever you are doing is working because she looks really healthy and perfect." I was so relieved.
There are days when Lillie changes up the game on me and throws me for a loop, but overall breastfeeding is not this huge mountain I've got to get around and I don't have that pressure and stress. I was thinking the other day of making a list of all the things I've learned about breastfeeding so far because you never really know until you know and some things are just rather humorous.
1. Cracked nipples are no joke. I'm pretty sure I went through an entire tube of lanolin cream in 3 days. (I don't even use it anymore)
2. Nipple shields are for the birds. I couldn't get them to stay on to save my life.
3. Having a fast "let down" can cause your child to choke and push off of your boob as if you are trying to poison them.
4. The football hold should be called the "I want carpal tunnel hold." After a few days of trying that one out, I decided that I liked not having that pain so back to cross-cradle we went.
5. I know all women have breasts but it still doesn't make whipping mine out in a room full of strangers comfortable. Yes, I went to a breastfeeding workshop where we all nursed our babies at the same time with no covers on.
6. Nursing in front of family is the worst. I know they are family but it's the worst. You just end up doing it because when your baby is trying to break the record on the most feedings in one day, you eventually chose hanging out with family while nursing over going into a private room; even though you just really want to go to that private room.
7. Nursing in front of people is not as bad when people just look at your face (or somewhere else) and avoid looking at the baby. If you look at the baby, you pretty much are just staring at my boobs and that's when it becomes really weird. People have done this.
8. You will never feel the same about your boobs again so long as a child is attached to them throughout the day.
9. Cramping while nursing during the first few weeks of breastfeeding is most painful.
10. You will not always know when your milk comes in. I was told, "Oh, you will know. You will feel it. It will be painful." I had no clue when mine came in.
11. Talking about your milk production with your pediatrician will never feel normal.
12. Pumping will make you feel like a cow.
13. Normal shirts are pretty much out of the question for a while.
14. Don't forget to wear your nursing pads.
15. If you see multiple spots on your sheets where it looks like someone spilled something, that's all the milk that you leaked during the night because your nursing pads only work when they stay in the right place.
16. Pumped milk will be like gold. Every little drop counts and when you spill some, you will stare at it a minute reminiscing about just how long it took you to pump that spilled milk at 3:30 in the morning.
17. The phrase people use about disasters being a "cluster" had to come from cluster feeding. During these cluster feeding phases, you will feel like all you are good for is milk and that you will never sleep again. (This is of course not true).
18. There is no cry like the "I'm hungry cry." When my daughter's face is turning purple because I just can't get her changed, my pillow in my lap, and my boob out fast enough I just picture Chris Farley in that SNL skit yelling, "LAY OFF ME; I'M STARVING!"
19. You will try so many weird things to relieve nipple pain the first few weeks: Ice packs on your boobs, dipping your boobs in warm salt solution for 10 minutes, rubbing your own milk on your nipple after a feeding.
20. Last, but definitely not least, if you can make it work and you figure it out, it can actually be one of the sweetest things and the most peaceful part of your day. There's nothing quite as satisfying as the look of a milk drunk baby.
Lillie, you are most definitely worth all the tears, lanolin cream, warm salt solution, lack of sleep, and hours spent looking up all things breastfeeding.
I love you.
Xoxo,
Mommy
Thursday, May 26, 2016
#1
This is a blog for my daughter, Lillie James Gray. I intend for this to be a place where I can come and get my thoughts out on anything involving my sweet baby. I may just want to write about something she did for the first time or I may want to write about something I'm going through as I am navigating motherhood.
Today's blog has been a long time coming; however, if you've ever had a newborn then you understand why a blog entry would be very low on the list of priorities. When Lillie is sleeping, my priorities as of late have been 1. Clean 2. Pay bills 3. Eat 4. Sleep and 5. Shower. My husband would like my list to be 1. Eat 2. Sleep 3. Shower 4. Pay Bills and 5. Clean, but what you also may understand if you are a female (and maybe if you're not) is that sleeping can be difficult to do when you can't turn off that part of your brain that is listing off all of the things that need to be completed. If I could keep my house somewhat clean, keep the bills caught up, and manage to eat a good meal, then sleeping would be a lot easier to do. I also think Lillie has a sense of humor because the few times that I have felt that I was on top of things and that I could finally nap while she is napping, I lay down and inevitably she cries within minutes. She's got jokes.
What I want to write about today is just how perfect God's timing is. If you are new to my story then you should know that in April of 2015 I miscarried my first baby at about 13 weeks pregnant. The next few months following were incredibly tough on me. I questioned God and why he would take this baby away from me. I questioned myself and my choices that I made during those 13 weeks. I questioned whether I would ever be able to carry a baby full term. I questioned if I would ever get to fulfill one of my dreams, which was to be a mom. A couple weeks after I learned that I lost the baby I decided to start a journal for the next baby (God willing). I wanted a place to pray for a baby that I desired and a place to tell this baby just how much I loved him/her before I even knew them.
I picked out a journal that had a hot air balloon on it because we were moving to NM soon and it had the word believe. I chose to believe that God would give me another child. After having Lillie, I've continued to write in this journal and one day I decided to look back at the first few entries because I like to see where I've come from and I was amazed at not only the words I wrote in the first entry to my sweet Lillie but also the date on the first entry. I started the journal April 20th, 2015 and Lillie was born just a few hours shy of April 20th, 2016. Isn't God amazing?
I'd like to share the first entry to show how my prayers were answered.
April 20th, 2015:
"This journal is for my Baby. I do not know you yet and you don't even exist; only in my dreams. This is a journal for prayers and my hopes for your life. I do not know you yet, but I love you with all of my heart. XOXO, Mommy
Jesus,
I thank you for creation - for the ability to somewhat be a part of that with pregnancy. I pray for this life that Kyle and I have yet to create. I ask that it will happen in your time and not mine. I pray that I would trust your timing and keep your will at the forefront of my thoughts. I pray you would make my baby healthy. I ask that you would watch over him/her from the very beginning of his/her life to the end of it; however long or short that may be. Give me the discipline and knowledge to do what is best for my health and for the baby's health. Mold me and shape me into the woman I'm supposed to be to be the best mom I can be. Never let me forget or take for granted my first love, Kyle. May he feel as loved and tended to as the baby. Make me strong: Strong enough to carry the baby full term is that is your will. Strong enough to be okay if that is not in your will.
Your word says, "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." You know my heart so I don't even have to tell you how much I desire to be a mom. To love a child that is the best of me and the best of Kyle. I desire to love this child more than I can understand and to introduce him or her to You and all the love that You have shown me. Give me wisdom to make the best choices as a mother. Prepare Kyle and me for a new chapter in life. Keep using us to sharpen one another in your name. Amen."
Almost a year to the day, I wrote this entry and it is so amazing to me to go back and see just how much God answered my prayers.
Lillie James, you were in my thoughts and prayers before I even knew you, and I've loved you forever.
-Mommy
Today's blog has been a long time coming; however, if you've ever had a newborn then you understand why a blog entry would be very low on the list of priorities. When Lillie is sleeping, my priorities as of late have been 1. Clean 2. Pay bills 3. Eat 4. Sleep and 5. Shower. My husband would like my list to be 1. Eat 2. Sleep 3. Shower 4. Pay Bills and 5. Clean, but what you also may understand if you are a female (and maybe if you're not) is that sleeping can be difficult to do when you can't turn off that part of your brain that is listing off all of the things that need to be completed. If I could keep my house somewhat clean, keep the bills caught up, and manage to eat a good meal, then sleeping would be a lot easier to do. I also think Lillie has a sense of humor because the few times that I have felt that I was on top of things and that I could finally nap while she is napping, I lay down and inevitably she cries within minutes. She's got jokes.
What I want to write about today is just how perfect God's timing is. If you are new to my story then you should know that in April of 2015 I miscarried my first baby at about 13 weeks pregnant. The next few months following were incredibly tough on me. I questioned God and why he would take this baby away from me. I questioned myself and my choices that I made during those 13 weeks. I questioned whether I would ever be able to carry a baby full term. I questioned if I would ever get to fulfill one of my dreams, which was to be a mom. A couple weeks after I learned that I lost the baby I decided to start a journal for the next baby (God willing). I wanted a place to pray for a baby that I desired and a place to tell this baby just how much I loved him/her before I even knew them.
I picked out a journal that had a hot air balloon on it because we were moving to NM soon and it had the word believe. I chose to believe that God would give me another child. After having Lillie, I've continued to write in this journal and one day I decided to look back at the first few entries because I like to see where I've come from and I was amazed at not only the words I wrote in the first entry to my sweet Lillie but also the date on the first entry. I started the journal April 20th, 2015 and Lillie was born just a few hours shy of April 20th, 2016. Isn't God amazing?
I'd like to share the first entry to show how my prayers were answered.
April 20th, 2015:
"This journal is for my Baby. I do not know you yet and you don't even exist; only in my dreams. This is a journal for prayers and my hopes for your life. I do not know you yet, but I love you with all of my heart. XOXO, Mommy
Jesus,
I thank you for creation - for the ability to somewhat be a part of that with pregnancy. I pray for this life that Kyle and I have yet to create. I ask that it will happen in your time and not mine. I pray that I would trust your timing and keep your will at the forefront of my thoughts. I pray you would make my baby healthy. I ask that you would watch over him/her from the very beginning of his/her life to the end of it; however long or short that may be. Give me the discipline and knowledge to do what is best for my health and for the baby's health. Mold me and shape me into the woman I'm supposed to be to be the best mom I can be. Never let me forget or take for granted my first love, Kyle. May he feel as loved and tended to as the baby. Make me strong: Strong enough to carry the baby full term is that is your will. Strong enough to be okay if that is not in your will.
Your word says, "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." You know my heart so I don't even have to tell you how much I desire to be a mom. To love a child that is the best of me and the best of Kyle. I desire to love this child more than I can understand and to introduce him or her to You and all the love that You have shown me. Give me wisdom to make the best choices as a mother. Prepare Kyle and me for a new chapter in life. Keep using us to sharpen one another in your name. Amen."
Almost a year to the day, I wrote this entry and it is so amazing to me to go back and see just how much God answered my prayers.
Lillie James, you were in my thoughts and prayers before I even knew you, and I've loved you forever.
-Mommy
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