#4

It's been 11 weeks since Lillie was born. I said in my last blog that I wanted to share my birth story in a later blog. While I was pregnant with Lillie I read a book called Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. The beginning of the book is a compilation of different birth stories. I read a few and kind of got the point, which I thought to be "no birthing experience is the same."

After reading the aforementioned book, I began reading another book with Kyle that was recommended to him by a few patients. It was a book on The Bradley Method for child labor. We read the book, we practiced the exercises, and in my mind I had this idea of how my labor and delivery would go; despite everyone saying, "Have a plan, but just understand that it may go nothing like you plan,"

Deep down though, I really thought it was going to go like I planned. I had this idea that I would go into labor at my house, preferably at night. I would sleep through the first part of it just waiting on either my water to break or my contractions to get to a certain point. I would go to the hospital, dilate the rest of the way, and then push that baby out.

This. Did. Not. Happen. (Not in the slightest).

This is how it actually went down. I was 6 days past due and had an ultrasound scheduled to check the baby's practice breathing, fluid levels, heartbeat, umbilical cord heartbeat, muscle tone, and movement. I had decided early on that I didn't want to induce unless medically necessary or until 42 weeks and I did not want my cervix checked unless I had been having pretty strong contractions because it would not change anything. (This is one thing that I am glad I did).

Monday, the 18th of April, I went to the specialist to have the ultrasound done. I had already done the same thing at 40+2 weeks so I thought I was going to be told the same thing, "Baby is fine. You are fine. You are free to still wait." Again, I was wrong.

The ultrasound technician was doing all of the measurements and taking all her pictures and about 5 minutes in said, "How do you feel about being induced?" This translates to, "You are going to be induced." I told her, "I don't want to be but obviously I will if I need to."  At this point she explained that my amniotic fluid levels were on the very low end so because of that, if most likely be induced. Fast forward through a lot of back and forth from the NP on duty and the on call doctoe she had to confirm with and I was calling Kyle and our families informing them that we would be having the baby that day.

Kyle met me at the doctors just as I was leaving and we headed home to gather up the hospital bag which was all packed except for the last minute items. I was scrambling around, Kyle was filming the process, and we took one final picture as just a family of three before we headed out. This was the beginning of it not being anything like I had planned. I was not having any contractions. I hadn't had any contractions. My water had not broken and yet here I was headed out to meet Lillie.

We got to the hospital, did the admission, and then a nurse began to explain my options as far as induction was concerned. We were moved from triage to L&D and after being check to find out I was only 1 cm dilated we decided to try a Cook's catheter, which is designed to accelerate cervical ripening before labor is induced. (See Picture) The catheter is inserted into the cervix until both balloons have entered the cervical canal. Then the uterine balloon is inflated with 40 mL of saline.  After that is inflated, the catheter is pulled back until the uterine balloon is against the internal cervical os (which is the part of the cervix that opens up to the uterus).  Then the vaginal balloon is inflated with 20 mL of saline.  Once both balloons are on each side of the cervix then more fluid is added to each balloon until the contain 80 mL.

I had never had a catheter that I know of until this one and lets just say I hope that it's the last one I have for a while.  The pressure of the balloon was so uncomfortable.  You want to be laying down and resing during the "easy part" but the catheter makes it tricky to get comfortable and the rocks they have for hospital beds don't help much at all.  This device can stay in a maximum of 12 hours and mine stayed in all 12 hours.  I vomited three times while the catheter was in because well, it was the worst.  They took out the catheter to see if I had dilated at all and I had gone to 4 cm and my water had broken.

It was time to start pitocin.  I had read about pitocin and did not want to use it but are we noticing a theme yet?  I've pretty much done everything that I didn't want to do.  I didn't want to use the pitocin because I had read that it can make your contractions a lot more painful.  But, we started it, and I rarely toot my own horn (only to my husband and brother) but I kind of rocked the whole Bradley Method of breathing.  I did 19 hours of pitocin and with every contraction I just zoned out.  If someone was talking to me, I quit listening and just closed my eyes and breathed.  If I was talking, I stopped mid-sentence.  After 12 hours, they checked me again and I had not dilated anymore.  Bring on catheter number 2!  This one monitors the contractions closer to make sure they are at a level that would cause me to dilate.  They were all within the range to be progressive, but I was still at a stand still.

Shortly after I decided again to do something not in the plan:  an epidural.  I cried with Kyle and my doctor because I had worked and worked so hard for about 30 hours and I didn't want to feel like I was throwing in the towel.  It was a feeling of failure and I didn't want that. I was at a point where I was so exhausted and thought that maybe if I could relax a little bit, then I would be able to dilate more, and not have a C-Section.  I was also told if it came to a c-section, it would be much easier to already have the epidural in.  At about 8 p.m. there was a shift change and my OB that I had done all my pre-natal visits with came in as the on call doctor.  She said she wanted to check me again to see if I had dilated any more.  She checked and I hadn't.  She told me she had been monitoring what was going on all day from her office and she didn't think it was looking good.  I was getting close to the 24 hour mark since my water broke and there is risk of infection after that so we discussed and I cried about having a c-section because part of me felt like I had worked and worked for nothing.  Imagine hiking 3/4 of the way up a mountain, having to go back down because the rest of the trail was closed, and only not getting to see that magnificent view at the top.  That's how I felt.

I was nervous for the C-Section because it's surgery and there are complications that come along with surgery.  To add insult to injury, I was told they would come get me shortly and we would head to the operating room, but they came back in to tell me that we had to wait because the woman next door was ready to push and my doctor had to deliver her baby.  Not to long after I heard the cheering and aside from the c-section itself, that was the worst feeling in the world.

They came to get me and Kyle was outside with our family praying.  They went to get him and we made our way to the operating room.  We got to a little waiting area near the room and they had Kyle stop there to put on his scrubs and told him they would come get him once I was ready.  Note to medical professionals:  people like me want their husbands with them the whole time and since this was not really an "emergency" type situation, we could have waited for him to put his stuff on and then all gone into the room together.  They moved me from my hospital bed to the operating table and then strapped my arms down out to my sides in the position one would hang on a cross.  They began to give me the anesthesia and then told me they would be testing the area they would be cutting open to see if I was completely numb.  She started on my left side and I felt a sharp pain.  I said, "Ow!" and my doctor said, "Where did you feel something?" I told her only on the left and was thinking, "These clowns better get me completely numb or they will have to find another way for this baby to come out because I am not about to sit her awake while someone slices me open."

They tilted the table to the left so I was hanging to one side.  This was to ensure that area would be completely numb.  Again, this would have been a nice time to have my husband in the room holding my hand.  He was just waiting outside wondering what was going on.  After testing again to make sure the area was numb, they brought Kyle in and he held my hand.  They place a sheet of some kind above your waist so that you and your partner cannot see what's going on.  They sliced me open, which I did not feel, thank God.  Then they began to pull sweet Lillie out.  This ladies and gentlemen is the weirdest, most uncomfortable feeling in the world because you can feel all of the pulling and tugging but it doesn't feel like you would imagine it would and it takes longer to get the baby out than you would think it does.  It was the absolute worst thing in the world.  They kept saying, "We are almost done, hang in there."

I heard Lillie cry and then let it out.  I began sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.  They asked Kyle, "Do you want to see her, Dad?" and I remember sensing his hesitation because while he wanted to see her he knew that she had the nurses there and I only had him.  He didn't want to leave me because I was in a state of shock and shaking.  He was asking, "Is this supposed to happen?  Is she okay?" He went over to see Lillie, I think mainly to not seem like a bad dad for wanting to make sure I am okay. They brought her over to show me her and I cried and wondered whose nose she had.  They asked if I wanted to do skin to skin on the table.  Of course I did so they put her on my chest.  About that time, while still not being able to quit shaking, I felt like I was going to vomit. They brought over a basin for me and I said, "I can't do this.  I don't want to throw up with her on me."

This is the last thing I remember and then I woke up, Kyle was gone and they were getting ready to take me to my postpartum room.  Kyle filled in the gap which was that they took him and Lillie and made him do skin to skin since I couldn't do it.  I got back to the room and got to hold her and nurse her and the rest of the night was a blur.

I am writing my story out for Lillie to know but also to be honest because I think sometimes we think we are bad moms if we don't just say, "Well it wasn't how I planned it but the end result was great" or some other cliché response.  I am guilty of saying this when really my feelings about my delivery is that it sucked.  I hated the c-section.  Every.  Minute.  Of.  It.  I did not get to see my baby right when she came into the world.  That sucked.  I didn't get to hold my baby right when she came into the world.  That sucked.  I was shaking so badly and wanted to vomit so I had to make them take her away.  That sucked.  I passed out and woke up not knowing where Kyle or Lillie were.  That sucked.  I did not get to deliver her in the way I had hoped and practiced for.  And that sucked.  Am I glad she is here and she is healthy?  Yes.  Am I glad nothing went wrong during the c-section? Yes.  But I am allowed to be sad about not getting to deliver her the way I wanted.

I in some ways feel I was robbed of a rite of passage.  To say, I had a c-section, makes me feel less than.  It shouldn't, but it does.  To know that if we have another child, I will most likely have to have another c-section makes me sad as well.  I had heard of people who elect to have a c-section or who loved having c-sections and I think, "They must be off their rocker; but, to each their own."  I just recently had a peace about my delivery and decided that it's okay that I didn't like it and think it was magical.  It's okay that I am bummed I didn't get to even try to have her naturally.  Will I dwell on it? No.  But it's nice to know that I am allowed to have those feelings.  And I will be honest when people ask my about it.  I will not tell you some prepackaged answer about how it's okay because I got her in the end.

I loved every minute of getting her here until the surgery.  I loved the pregnancy, I loved the excitement of packing for the hospital, I loved getting to put my practice of relaxing through the contractions to work, and I loved getting to spend all that time doing these things with Kyle.

Lillie, you are one of the greatest gifts in my life (you're dad choosing to be my best friend forever is the other one) and I cannot imagine my world without you.  I hope one day you will be proud of me for the work I did to get you here the natural way and for the decision I made to go the surgical route when things weren't looking very promising.  Just know that I tried my very best to get you here the natural way and I tried to be super tough during the procedure of having you the not so natural way.  I hope you understand that me not liking my delivery has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.   Would I do it all over again to get you here?  You betcha!  You are the best thing in the world and I am so glad you are here!

Xoxo,

Mommy