#1

This is a blog for my daughter, Lillie James Gray.  I intend for this to be a place where I can come and get my thoughts out on anything involving my sweet baby.  I may just want to write about something she did for the first time or I may want to write about something I'm going through as I am navigating motherhood.

Today's blog has been a long time coming; however, if you've ever had a newborn then you understand why a blog entry would be very low on the list of priorities.  When Lillie is sleeping, my priorities as of late have been 1. Clean 2. Pay bills 3. Eat 4. Sleep and 5. Shower.  My husband would like my list to be 1. Eat 2. Sleep 3. Shower 4. Pay Bills and 5. Clean, but what you also may understand if you are a female (and maybe if you're not) is that sleeping can be difficult to do when you can't turn off that part of your brain that is listing off all of the things that need to be completed.  If I could keep my house somewhat clean, keep the bills caught up, and manage to eat a good meal, then sleeping would be a lot easier to do.  I also think Lillie has a sense of humor because the few times that I have felt that I was on top of things and that I could finally nap while she is napping, I lay down and inevitably she cries within minutes.  She's got jokes.

What I want to write about today is just how perfect God's timing is.  If you are new to my story then you should know that in April of 2015 I miscarried my first baby at about 13 weeks pregnant.  The next few months following were incredibly tough on me.  I questioned God and why he would take this baby away from me.  I questioned myself and my choices that I made during those 13 weeks.  I questioned whether I would ever be able to carry a baby full term.  I questioned if I would ever get to fulfill one of my dreams, which was to be a mom.  A couple weeks after I learned that I lost the baby I decided to start a journal for the next baby (God willing).  I wanted a place to pray for a baby that I desired and a place to tell this baby just how much I loved him/her before I even knew them.

I picked out a journal that had a hot air balloon on it because we were moving to NM soon and it had the word believe.  I chose to believe that God would give me another child. After having Lillie, I've continued to write in this journal and one day I decided to look back at the first few entries because I like to see where I've come from and I was amazed at not only the words I wrote in the first entry to my sweet Lillie but also the date on the first entry.  I started the journal April 20th, 2015 and Lillie was born just a few hours shy of April 20th, 2016.  Isn't God amazing?

I'd like to share the first entry to show how my prayers were answered.

April 20th, 2015:

"This journal is for my Baby.  I do not know you yet and you don't even exist; only in my dreams.  This is a journal for prayers and my hopes for your life. I do not know you yet, but I love you with all of my heart. XOXO, Mommy

Jesus,
I thank you for creation - for the ability to somewhat be a part of that with pregnancy.  I pray for this life that Kyle and I have yet to create.  I ask that it will happen in your time and not mine.  I pray that I would trust your timing and keep your will at the forefront of my thoughts.  I pray you would make my baby healthy.  I ask that you would watch over him/her from the very beginning of his/her life to the end of it; however long or short that may be.  Give me the discipline and knowledge to do what is best for my health and for the baby's health.  Mold me and shape me into the woman I'm supposed to be to be the best mom I can be.  Never let me forget or take for granted my first love, Kyle.  May he feel as loved and tended to as the baby.  Make me strong:  Strong enough to carry the baby full term is that is your will.  Strong enough to be okay if that is not in your will.

Your word says, "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  You know my heart so I don't even have to tell you how much I desire to be a mom.  To love a child that is the best of me and the best of Kyle.  I desire to love this child more than I can understand and to introduce him or her to You and all the love that You have shown me.  Give me wisdom to make the best choices as a mother.  Prepare Kyle and me for a new chapter in life.  Keep using us to sharpen one another in your name.  Amen."

Almost a year to the day, I wrote this entry and it is so amazing to me to go back and see just how much God answered my prayers.

Lillie James, you were in my thoughts and prayers before I even knew you, and I've loved you forever.  

-Mommy