Lillie James,
As stated in my previous blog, I am writing about my experience with Postpartum Depression/Anxiety so that one day if you are experiencing it too, we can look here together and I can be a comrade in your battle.
I have had a rough few days as far as PPD/A is concerned. For some reason, beginning on Sunday, things kind of hit me hard and old feelings were stirred up. I have been thinking the past few days about what my "triggers" are for feeling less than my best and just how skewed my reality can be from your average chill mommy's reality. I thought it might be helpful to write these down as a way to help you, others, and myself recognize that I have these triggers and that my reality is warped.
I believe these "triggers" and my warped sense of reality go very hand in hand. So here are the triggers and the thoughts/feelings I have. I am going to focus on my four main ones.
1. The house being a mess - this begins to make me feel very overwhelmed and anxious and I begin to feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. If I let it become worse than just a small mess, then I get to a state where it seems impossible to remedy. I begin thinking, "I'll never get it clean. I can't keep up with the simplest things. There are moms out there sewing their children rompers and I can't wash a bottle after a feeding." This is when my motivation plummets and I just want to lay in my room watching New Girl and wonder if I will ever feel good again. I don't like this place, it's a scary place, and I cannot allow myself to go there so I am learning ways to manage this trigger, i.e. making my bed EVERY day, whether it is 6:15 a.m. or 6:15 p.m. Getting into a made bed gives me a sense of accomplishment. Or, making sure the kitchen is clean every night before bed, which is easier if I just wash everything right after it's used, EVEN if your daddy is trying to help and says, "I'll get that later." Because, if your daddy doesn't get that later (later being before I wake up) then I wake up, see the mess, become overwhelmed and my day is started off on the wrong foot. I've explained this to daddy that I know he means well, but I've got to do things my way for my state-of-mind, because what seems like no big deal to him, can be the catalyst of a meltdown for me.
2. People offering unsolicited suggestions as to how to parent you - this is a tough one to deal with because the normal person reality is "Oh, they are trying to help. Ya, great idea." But, the PPD/A warped sense of reality says, "They don't think I even know how to take care of my baby. Maybe I don't. Maybe she deserves better. Maybe I should just go back to work and put her in a daycare of some sort where they know what they are doing." This could be as simple as saying, "Her feet are cold." Lillie, I get told this ALL the time about you. It can be in a cold room or in a hot room, but your feet run cold. My mama gut instincts are usually correct and you are usually not cold, you just have cold feet like your daddy. When I REALLY think you are cold, I put socks on you and you kick them off. And I put them back on and you kick them off. It's New Mexico and since you were born it's been under 65 only a handful of times and I read somewhere before you were born that the optimal temperature for a sleeping baby is 65-70. This is what I keep in mind most of the time people tell me things like that because I know they mean well and are just wanting the best for you, but I am with you the most, I know you the most, and if there were anyone who knows what is best it would be me. However, truly only God knows what's best for you and I have to just trust that He is instilling wisdom in me each day to know how best to take care of you.
3. You waking up from a nap early - early on I got you in the habit of taking a pretty good nap in the afternoon. On average you sleep 3.5 hours and usually it's within the window of 1:30-6:00. Sometimes you go to sleep at 1:30 and wake up at 5:00. Sometimes you go to sleep at 2:00 and wake up at 6:00. You just on average give me 3.5 hours where I can get things done and know you are not going to need to be changed, fed, entertained, calmed down, cleaned off, etc. When you wake up early, normal sense of reality would be to think, "Oh well, somethings off today," or "She probably just spit out her pacifier; I will go put it back in." My warped sense of reality tells me, "Panic! She is awake.! You aren't finished paying the bills - when will you finish?!?! There is too much to get done! I'm never going to not feel trapped as a mother. Why can't I just have 3.5 hours to myself?!" The progress I have made since coming to terms with this PPD/A, going to a therapist, and being very intentional about how I think and structure my day is that I recognize that these thoughts are irrational. I take a breath, and I immediately tell myself, "It's going to be okay. She may not take a big nap today; but we will get through it. We will have help in ______ hours so we've just got to make it through that time and then I will have help and can get done what I had started earlier. That's quite a big step from where I was. It used to be that I would have a meltdown, cry, beg you desperately to give me more sleep, text your dad that I'm losing my mind, plead with God to let you go back to sleep, and then let it ruin my entire day. Baby steps, Lillie, baby steps. But, I mean, you get that. You ARE a baby. :)
4. Being told, "No, you don't need to do _________. You can't even keep up with all you have going on right now." Reality: Don't add any more unnecessary stress to your life. Just take care of yourself and Lillie right now. Warped Reality: You are such a crappy mom that you can't even keep the house clean, the laundry done, the bills paid, the meals made; why would you try to do some side jobs or make your own baby food? This is a tough one too because again, people mean well. But sometimes, Lillie, people don't think about what it is like to be in your shoes and how a comment they make might make you feel. That's what is so tricky about mental illness. It's almost like this secret club that you don't want to be in, but somehow you have been elected president, and if you aren't a member you don't quite fully understand the people who are members. Your daddy belongs to a sports message board and sometimes I will ask him a question about it and he will use a word that was made up on said message board and try to explain to me how it works. He will say, "You just don't get it. There is a certain etiquette you have to follow on here and if you don't, they will make your life a living hell. There are hackers that will find out all of your personal information and go after you." Mental illness is kind of like that. There is certain etiquette to follow, but unless you have experience it, you really don't know all of the rules; i.e. calling someone who struggles with mental illness "crazy" or saying "just don't stress about it" to a person with anxiety." Our natural reactions would be to say, "I'll show you crazy" and "I'd absolutely love to not stress about it" while metaphorically finding out everything about you and ruining your life. ;)
All this being said, even though I am having a rough week per se, my rough week is about a 6 whereas 2 months ago this same kind of week would have been a 9. So, progress. I mentioned that I am very intentional now about my thoughts and how I structure my time. I am also more forgiving of myself. If I have a little freakout moment because it's the 80th time you've fussed at me during the day and your dad is somehow super chill, I step back and think, "This is only his 10th fuss of the day. My fuse was shorter; sometimes people reach a breaking point. 80 is apparently mine." I forgive myself, let dad step in, and I do something else that calms me down. I am very intentional about beginning to pray right when I am feeling overwhelmed and that I am beginning to spin out of control. I ask for patience and remind myself of how you are a blessing and something I have wanted for as long as I can remember. I take a step back and let gratitude and thanksgiving flood my thoughts to drown out the doubt, fear, anxiety, and worry that was there.
It's a tough job being a mommy, Lillie. And one that kind of goes unnoticed. There is no employee of the month parking, no bonuses, no recognition of achievement, no promotions, no free trips, no raises, and that's okay. There are kisses and hugs (one day). There are huge smiles when you see me. There are arms and legs going crazy from excitement that you cannot contain when I come to get you from your crib. There are laughs when I am singing you a silly song. There is your look of pure innocence and wonder when you discover something new. There is peace when you are sleeping in my arms. There is a calm when you go to sleep at night. There is joy watching you play. There is a sense of pride when you make even the grouchiest looking strangers smile.
You are the best little person I know. You are my favorite baby. You are an easier baby than I give you credit for. You are the cutest little thing. You are the greatest gift your dad and I have ever received. You are important. You are special. You are precious. And most of all, you are loved beyond measure.
Xoxo,
Mommy
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