So, it's taken me a couple weeks since he said that for me to make the decision to not only write it for you, which I have done in a different journal, but for Jane Doe in Harrisburg, PA who feels alone in all of it. I can't really say exactly when it started, but I can say that I know when I came to terms with it on my own and that was around three months postpartum. I admitted it first to myself because I needed to accept it myself before I could tell your daddy. In an effort to really make sure it was postpartum depression I took to the Internet like any normal millennial and googled "postpartum depression symptoms." What came up was a list of symptoms and a paragraph prefaced the list saying, "You may not be experiencing all of the symptoms listed below or even most of them. Postpartum depression and anxiety are not 'one-size-fits-all' illnesses. Your experience may include just a few of the symptoms and you may not have others at all."
As I read through the list of symptoms I found that to be very true. Some of the symtoms were not related to what I was feeling while others felt like someone had found a way to tap into my thoughts. The first one on the list stuck out to me the most and it said,
- You feel overwhelmed. Not like “hey, this new mom thing is hard.” More like “I can’t do this and I’m never going to be able to do this.” You feel like you just can’t handle being a mother. In fact, you may be wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place.
I remember reading this and thinking, "Yes. How are they reading my mind? This is probably the toughest part of my depression/anxiety for me to grapple with because being a mom is something I've dreamed of forever. It is what I have always felt I was meant to do; what I would be the best at. I don't have many things in my life that I am great at. I am mediocre at best at a lot of things; a jack of all trades, master of none. But, being a mom, I was just certain it was going to be my calling. So when this depression/anxiety began to settle in I began to wonder, "Can I do this? Should I have waited? She deserves someone better. Why does putting her to sleep overwhelm me so much? Why do I hate getting up in the middle of the night? When will I sleep? When will it get better and when will I feel on top of it all?" These thoughts as a new mom, more specifically a mom who was so certain she wanted to be a mom, are terrifying to have.
The next symptom that stood out was,
- You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling motherhood better than this. You feel like your baby deserves better. You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don’t feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would. You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you.
I can remember telling your daddy, "She deserves better. She's going to see me crying all the time and know that I'm sad. That's not fair to her." I can also remember telling him, "I want to run away." I've said this even in the last 10 days. I woke up to feed you at 3:30 in the morning, came back to bed, and anxiety began to set in and all I could think was, "I've got to get in the car and drive away. I've got to leave. I can't do this." Thoughts of running away and leaving my family was also on this list of symptoms. This is a scary thing to feel when you love your family more than anything. I would do anything for you and Daddy. You are both the most important things in my life.
The last thing that really stood out to me was,
The last thing that really stood out to me was,
- You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you've lost the "old you" forever.
I can remember being out to lunch with you, Uncle Zak, Daddy, and Nonna. We were eating our meal when a group of three young girls came into the restaurant, sat down in the booth, and began to just gab like young girls do. I remember thinking, "I wish that were me." It's an awful feeling to think these things and again it's so confusing because I love you more than anything. Sometimes I look at you and just think, "Why is she just the best thing ever?!" So, feeling so selfish and longing for another reality is frustrating, scary, and confusing. One of the things I am working through with my therapist (you can find me on Real Housewives of Rio Rancho) is making time for myself and finding ways to be more than just a mom whether that is taking 30 minutes to do my hair and hanging out with girls that either aren't moms or girls that are moms but can talk about things other than that.
One thing that does not help with my depression and anxiety is that we live in a social media world where without even knowing it, we feel pressured to fit into this box and love every single minute of being a mom. We see posts from other moms that talk about how great motherhood is, how it's the best thing ever, how their babies are the best, how they sleep through the night, how they are rolling over, how life didn't make sense until motherhood. But, this, this is not the whole truth. You see, people usually don't post about the hard days, the hard times, the getting pooped on, the crying baby that won't sleep, the baby that is going through a growth spurt and won't quit nursing, the anxiety you feel when you first take the baby out on the town, the pressure to reach every milestone on time. People post the highlights: The baby who is now sleeping through the night (after months of no sleep), the baby that is rolling over (after fearing it would never happen), the baby that is smiling (only minutes after throwing a major fit), the bath time cuteness (that should have happened days ago but didn't because mom was just out of motivation).
There are even people, Lillie James, who will see those successes and out of jealousy or feelings of inferiority will not support the mom who proudly posted the baby's accomplishments. It sounds so silly to say, the older I get the more I realize just how silly our gender is, but there are moms who you support and encourage by liking all their posts about motherhood/their babies who will for whatever reason never like anything you post about yours. I know, so trivial and so petty, but this is the world we live in and noticing that this is going on hurts your feelings because you wonder why everyone can't just be supportive, kind, and loving towards each other.
I am so aware of the unrealistic expectations that moms have to be perfect 24/7 and make everyone think that they have it all together, but I am kind of tired of it. It would be super easy to just delete my social media accounts but the truth is, I like seeing what my friends are up to and what exciting or not so exciting things are going on in their lives. You know what would be refreshing to see? A picture of someone else's baby throwing a major fit. A post from a mom who is honest about her struggles instead of trying to create this picture perfect notion of motherhood.
The thing is, motherhood is exhausting. There are nights when I think, "If she doesn't sleep until 4, I will die. I'm pretty sure I will never sleep again." There are days when I think, "I really don't want to pace up and down my living room to get her to go down for her nap. I just want to lay her down, grab a Diet Coke, and watch terrible TV to unwind." There are days when you are napping and I think, "Please don't wake up for 3 hours. If you do, I may lose it because I need to do laundry, cook, clean, call some company that charged us too much money." There are also nights when you wake up at 2 in the morning, I stomp off to your bedroom while ignoring your daddy's question of, "Are you okay," and I see your smiling face and forget just how mad I was that you woke me up. There are also days when I think, "I can't wait to laugh with her about how silly she was and the things her daddy and I did to get her to sleep." And there are also days when you are napping and I think, "I can't wait to go get her from her nap and see her happy face."
The most important thing to take from all of this is that I love you more than you could ever imagine, I want the best for you, and you make me so very happy. Yes, I'm struggling with postpartum depression, but I am taking necessary steps to come out on top. Yes, there are days when it's just the two of us and I am counting down the minutes until your daddy gets home. Yes, there are days when I want to run away, but I don't. In an effort to keep daddy in the loop and also not let things fester in my mind, I tell him when I am feeling like running away and how much that makes me feel like a terrible mother and he always says, "It's okay to feel like that. The important thing is that you don't run away and that makes you a wonderful mother." You'll soon learn that I think your daddy hung the moon and you will understand why. One thing you and I will always be is honest with each other, even when what we need to be honest about is scary.
I love you, Lillie James. I am working on being the best mommy I can for you, so just hang in there with me.
Xoxo,
Mommy
Omg, I love this. I love that you're being honest and true to yourself. This is your story and you will come out of it. I applaud you to being transparent to your reality!
ReplyDeletePs. I love the way you depict Kyle in this. I'm so glad you found him. 💕