You are turning one in two weeks. How is this even possible? No, really, how? It seems like yesterday I was posting pictures of pregnant orangutans and saying, "Where's Lillie James?" because according to science, you were supposed to be making your way out at any moment. It seems like yesterday your daddy was exhausted and overwhelmed in the hospital saying, "I can do the diapers but I can't do this crying." (Don't worry, I sent him into the hall to take a break and breathe. He came back so quickly, said he had prayed, and had a change of heart.) We would soon come to find out that the roles would reverse and he would be saying to me, "Why do you leave for a little while and take a break. We're fine. She's fine." or "Are you sure you are going to be okay? I can stay home." It only took a couple months to realize the gravity of his willingness to stay home (you see, he's kind of a hustler when it comes to his job). I googled Postpartum Depression and began to highlight all of the things on the list that pertained to me and for the first time felt somewhat understood.
Mommy was a mess - literally and figuratively. (Side note: You WILL know how to use "literally" properly even if it's the only thing I teach you). I rarely showered. There were days when it would be 3:00 p.m. and I would wonder if I had brushed my teeth and usually, I hadn't. I wore the same three night gowns almost daily, unless we went out and then I would wear workout pants and one of two t-shirts. I'm still currently wearing mostly the workout pants and t-shirts but, that's a work in progress. I cried, a lot. I laid in bed at night thinking about how wonderful it would be if I could just jump in the car and drive far, far away. Your dad thought I was certifiably crazy. And, we took LOTS of drives. Like, instead of toys, blankets, and diapers at your baby shower; they should have given me gas cards because the car was my safe haven.
We listened to the same Sandi Patty Lullaby CD which was like a sleeping potion for you. No joke, I've probably listened to that CD at least 1,000 times. I would put you in the car, turn on the CD, grab a Dr. Pepper at Sonic (Mommy pretty much ran on Dr. Pepper - so much so that Sonic and Dr. Pepper should have sponsored our drives), and we would drive all over Rio Rancho/Albuquerque. I would listen to podcasts in my headphones and use up all the data of our monthly shared data plan. Your Uncle Cory would text me and be like, "Girl! Quit using all the data." I think he would forgive me now that he knows what I was dealing with. (I also took the necessary steps to not do that once I figured out how). Our drives are what got me through the day - I felt the most in control when we were on our drives.
I didn't venture out too much because I was always afraid of doing everything wrong and being judged by other moms. I wasn't sure where exactly to put you when we went shopping. I would see moms with the carseat up on the top of the cart and it would make me a nervous wreck so I didn't want to do that. I saw some moms with the car seat in the cart but I thought, "Where the heck do you put all of your groceries?" So, if we went shopping at all, I kept you in your stroller and stuffed all the groceries in the bottom of it and still felt judged for doing that. I would struggle to put shoes on you because people bothered me about your feet all the time. It was just easier to either stay home with you or go for a drive.
I started going to therapy for my postpartum depression when you were about 4 months old. This is also when I quit breastfeeding, which I think fed into my depression more because I was struggling to get you to eat, I wasn't sleeping because you needed food at night, and no one could help me fully because you relied on me for food. I began to feel trapped by breastfeeding and after a lot of crying and mulling over the decision I switched to formula. I cried a lot in my first therapy session because it was the first time I had really ever said some of the things I had been thinking out loud and it was the first time I felt like someone really understood what I was going through. My therapist made me feel sane for the first time in a long time.
Fast-forward to you being almost 7 months old and me being at about a 3 depression wise, I decided to sleep train you and it was the worst to hear you cry for probably 35 minutes the first day (someone is reading this going, "YOU LET HER CRY IT OUT?!?!?!" and we will get to that later). Then the second day it was less, then the third day less again, then the fourth, the fifth, etc. and eventually, I was able to lay you down in your crib at approximately the same time every day and you went right to sleep. This was a huge turning point in our relationship because I again felt like I was getting some control and consistency back in my life to know, "Okay, I at least have one hour to do whatever I need or want." Usually, what I needed and wanted was to eat a meal, sit and watch terrible reality TV, or clean the house. It seems crazy that it was 5 months ago and now you are almost a year old. I've learned so much through the last year about myself and about motherhood.
The biggest thing I've learned about myself is that I am a lot more selfish than I ever thought or realized. I need sleep to be a lovely person and by sleep, I mean a solid 9 hours. 10 is best, but 9 will do, anything less is just rubbish. I realized this about myself when you would wake up to eat at 11, eat until about 11:45, go back to sleep at 12, wake up again 2 hours later, and I would stomp to your room while your dad said, "Are you okay?" For the record, my response was always either to ignore him or sternly say, "NO." See, not so lovely on less than 9 hours of sleep. Once we started giving you formula, daddy could help and was my savior. I hired him as the night nurse although really he volunteered. You love him now because he is loud, does cool tricks, and makes you laugh but soon you will realize that he is a gem because of his heart, selflessness, and go-with-the-flow attitude. We can only hope you are as laid back as him and your Papi.
I always knew that I needed alone time to reenergize but I never quite knew just how much until I had you. There had always been a time in my day where I had alone time either because I chose it or your dad was at work later than me. Then, you came along, and suddenly I had someone who constantly needed me. And while that's flattering and empowering, it also made me feel very drained. I have never had someone who always needed me. Your dad needed me occasionally when I would get a text when he was in school saying, "Sugar, I forgot my lunch. Any way you could bring me some lunch?" or when he would say, "Can you go with me to the bank to get a money order. I've never gotten one and you are just better at that kind of stuff." (I make him call the TV company). It was important for my mental health that I have just a minute to myself every day where someone else was watching you and I could truly be off the clock and your daddy provided me with that by coming home every day after he worked and offering to let me leave the house for a little while.
I've learned that it's important for me to do what I think is best for you and for me, even if other people disagree. I told you I would get back to letting you cry it out. There was a time that in order to get you to take a nap we had to swaddle you, cover your face with a blankie (you loved this), and bounce you like you were on the bumpiest dirt road. Then there came a time where you didn't want to be bounced but rather you wanted us to walk really fast back and forth. Then there came a time when the walking didn't work and the bouncing didn't work and I found myself leaping around in circles with you in my arms. This is where the sleep training came in.
You were just a little over six months and I decided for your well being and my well being, you needed to learn how to nap and you needed to be able to put yourself to sleep without the crazy antics. (Not to mention you could no longer be swaddled). Mommy asked some friends (angels really) and did some reading about the extinction method and we went to work. Some people probably would not do sleep training the way I did, but for us, it was what needed to happen. Now, I put you down for your naps and 9/10 you go to sleep right away. Occasionally you cry, but that's usually when you don't feel well. This was so beneficial for me because when we started this you took three naps a day and according to the method, you had to be in your crib for one hour whether you were crying, playing, talking, sitting, sleeping, etc., which meant I knew I had three hours (at least) during the day to have some me time. I told your daddy the other day that my greatest achievement over the last year is that I was able to sleep train you.
I've learned that I know you best and I need to let others comments roll off my shoulders. I used to take you out and not put socks on you because they always fell off anyway and your hands and feet were always warm and sweaty naturally. You get that from your dad. People would touch your feet and say, "Where are her socks?" I wanted to punch them because obviously I know you best and if you were really that bothered by not having socks, you would have been crying. People would comment about how big you were or small you were. In the same week while you were 10 months old I had people say you "are bigger than my two year old granddaughter" and you "are smaller than my 6 month old daughter." Who cares?! I knew you. What I wanted to say was, "maybe your granddaughter is a runt" but I didn't. You will learn soon that sometimes it's better to just think things in your head and smile. You were healthy, eating fine, sleeping great, and thriving. (You walked at 9.5 months so I think you are just fine).
I've learned that you will complete milestones all in your own time and that it's important for me to not compare you to another baby your age. I have heard far too many moms compare you to their children as far as how early you have walked and how many teeth you have and being on the other end of it, I feel sorry for their babies who are doing everything perfectly and in their own time. I try to be encouraging and say, "They'll walk when they are ready." I don't want to get in a habit of comparing you to other girls and I just want to be proud of you. You amaze me every day. You buzz around the living room like a Roomba and you often fall because you are either trying to carry something too heavy or you are not watching where you are going. Every time, you get right back up, and keep on moving. You're kind of inspirational that way, kid.
I've learned that it's okay to take you out to run errands in your pajamas or not bathe you 80 times a week. The pressure to look perfect as a mother is overwhelming at times, but I soon realized that if we are having a rough day and need to run to the store, you and I don't need to look fancy all the time. There will come a day when I have a little more time on my hands, I feel more like myself in my body, and I will do my hair, makeup, and wear something other than workout clothes. All three in one day, but for now, I'm trying to just soak up the way you constantly want to be with me (with my hair in a bun, my makeup free face, stinky breath, and workout clothes on). I'm trying to soak up the way you babble because before I know it you will be saying real words and I will miss the "dada's" and "nana's."
This has been quite a year. It's so crazy what you go through in one year and how you do it all with a smile on your face 80% of the time. You cut teeth, you grow (a lot), you learn how to roll over, to sit up on your own, to pull up on your own, to stand on your own, to walk on your own, and you do it all in that tiny little body. It's amazing to me that you don't just cry all the time out of frustration because if I had to learn all of that at my age now I would definitely complain about it a lot.
There's certain things that just in a year I've learned about you and your personality. I can tell you are going to be sweet. You light up when people you love come into the room or FaceTime you. You are going to love animals (maybe not horses). You love your puppy and have never been afraid of him but have just always wanted to be his friend. You are going to be generous and kind. You offer to share your food with us, your water with Tummy, and your toys with snotty nosed kids at the library who minutes before stole your toy. You are going to be stubborn. I've seen this in the way you respond to being told no and how you decided you were going to stand and walk and went full force in accomplishing that. You are a determined little girl and you are a sweetheart. You are going to love music. You love any book with music sounds, you love when you hear music on the TV, and you love when mommy sings.
It's no secret that you are beautiful on the outside but I love when I get to see your inner beauty shine through. You are sweet, funny, a ham, silly, energetic, talkative, loving, and intelligent. I love you very much, Lillie James. You are a light everywhere you go.
Xoxo,
Mommy
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